I'm now on twitter as well...

I made a twitter account today to try and reach more people it would be really good if you could please follow me and pass on the link to others via Facebook Twitter Instagram etc....

https://twitter.com/transnicola

Hormones update…

 

If you're baking a cake and the instructions say, "Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes," and you bake that cake for 10 minutes at 570 degrees, that will not bake the cake faster or any better, just bad things happen to the cake.

I am feeling different after two weeks of hormones though – it took me a week or so to figure out that what I was feeling different about. After my first doses of hormones my depression, which I have lived with for quite a while had faded to the point that I no longer take pill for it.

 I feel like my whole emotional range has shifted towards the positive, I still get depressed from time to time like every other person, but it’s no longer my de facto state. While the hormones prescribed, do take a while, to make changes to the transgender brain they actually do rewire the brain to female. These hormones take away the noise or chatter in the brain of a person who is transgender (MtF) 

Contrary to popular belief, hormones do NOT change sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is very different to gender, like chalk and cheese.

I guess if they did they would have be using them to "cure" gay people in the 40’s and 50’s.

For transsexual people hormones correct a life-long hormonal imbalance they've lived with day in day out, now I have started estrogen the constant "noise" in my head stopped and I started to feel mentally whole for the first time since I was a child.
With my coming out as a transwoman and transitioning*, I have also been freed of constantly monitoring my own behaviour and mannerism’s all the time, which is a great weight of my mind and shoulders.

I have now let my barriers and my defensive wall fall down, I’m still walking in the rubble of that mental wall, finding my way to being the real me everything feels so natural I don’t have to think about appearing female I’m just me, people have commented on how womanly I am and how the heck did I pull off being male for so long.

 *Transitioning is a long, expensive, medically monitored process that takes years to accomplish it is not an overnight process. Cis girls enter puberty and take anywhere from five to seven years to go through this process, it’s no difference for the transgender female taking hormones to accomplish this.

Update 13 Feb 2016

 

Well HRT is not a magical cure-all that will change your body overnight. 

 As I said in the blog heading for this page If you're baking a cake and the instructions say, "Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes," and you bake that cake for 10 minutes at 550 degrees, that will not bake the cake faster and bad things will happen. This is also true when taking any kind of hormone. You don't always need the maximum dose and you certainly should not up your doses unless your doctor tells you to.

Going on HRT may not solve all the problems in your life, but it can help. 

 

People who transition do so in order to cement the gender identity they have. Some trans people think all their life's difficulties only stem from the fact that their body does not align with their gender.

But HRT is not the end-all and be-all solution to a person's life problems. Like everyone else, transgender people don't only deal with gender issues, but also racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, etc. In the end, a person's gender is more than just pronouns and preference, it is a process.

I have been warned that when you are taking testosterone blockers and estrogen, you may experience severe mood swings, but it is hard to know what will happen until you go through it... 

Update March 2016…

I have been on the hormone tablets (estrogen) for 3 months now and things are really happening to my body. But the noticeable changes started to happen once I received my testosterone blocker – Prostap SR, it is technically called Leuprorelin acetate. I have 3.75mg of this injected into my body monthly by the Nurse at my Doctor’s surgery, these intramuscular injections are due to increase in size but will be injected every 3 months rather than monthly which will be better as I don’t like needles being jabbed in me.

I have noticed the tablets and the injection have been causing me to nibble on some food snack at various times of the day and night. So losing weight will be a more difficult thing for me than in the past, so I guess I will have to be more disciplined and perhaps obsessive about my diet, and of course exercise. I have to ensure my body mass index is well below 30, which is what the clinic has asked me to achieve. I was below 30 (just) before the hormone therapy started so I will just have to monitor how I get on from week to week.

Mood wise I feel so much together than before, the battle in my mind/body is changing and I feel more at one than I expected to feel after just 3 months on treatment. My chest is changing (sore nipple area) body fat and facial changes are all noticeable, my head hair looks better but I cannot see a change in body hair just yet, everybody reacts in a different manner to the treatment so there are no real stages that happen on certain days. You cannot say on day 41 you will notice this or that… but a more general “some people have said” sort of thing, as far as I can see I am progressing along the care pathway OK and at a good speed. The Consultant at the GIC will tell me more in April, which is when my next appointment is booked for, after that appointment they should fall every 3 to 4 months apart.

 

I have noticed the body changes appear to come visible in waves… you carry on your normal daily routines and nothing then a few day later Bam! You notice something then nothing for a while then Bam! Someone tells you something about you has changed then nothing for a while the Bam! Again it certainly keeps you going through the changes your body is undertaking, I have learned to wait and see what the next thing to start or change is. If I see no change for a while I don’t worry I just think I must be quite a change that’s happening if I haven’t noticed anything just yet, to my surprise someone will undoubtable tell me something, about me that I hadn’t noticed. I guess a watched pot never boils over…

Going the Gym as a transwoman

I decided to tone my body up after the Christmas period, its part of my weight loss plan to be within the permitted BMI range for surgery in a couple of years time so as the 5:2 diet has worked wonders up now I thought boosting the calories being burn with a controlled exercise plan.

To be in transition and attend a gym is quite a hard task to do, but its a goal of mine to do that so I went out to a sports store and asked an assistant for assistance in picking a suitable set of gym clothes for a transgender woman, within seconds of asking for assistance I had two people assisting me, (very positive experieance

Myalgic Encephalopathy and Kefir probiotic drink

Some of you will know I suffer from ME and have done since 1995...

A long time to have ME and still be suffering the doctors have told me its incurable and untreatable with the current knowledge of the condition.

I have tried just about everything going that sounded plausible, then my sister told me about Kefir. what the hell is that I hear you say well Kefir is a fermented drink, traditionally made using cow’s milk or goat’s milk.

It is made by adding kefir “grains” to just plain milk.

These are not grains in the conventional sense, but cultures of yeast and lactic acid bacteria that resemble a cauliflower in appearance.

Over a period of 12 to 24 hours, the microorganisms in the kefir grains multiply and ferment the sugars in the milk, turning it into kefir.

Then the grains are removed from the liquid, and can be used again.

This is what kefir (jar) and kefir grains (spoon) look like:

So basically, kefir is the drink, but kefir grains are the “starter kit” that you use to produce the drink.

Kefir originated from parts of Eastern Europe and Southwest Asia. The name is derived from the Turkish word keyif, which means “feeling good” after eating.

The lactic acid bacteria turn the lactose in the milk into lactic acid, so kefir tastes sour like yogurt,  but has a thinner consistency like single cream.

I have been taking this for a couple of months and I can feel a slight difference in my ME, it's not gone...in fact far from going.  But I feel like I have a little bit more energy and not as much brain fog however, I still have some bad days and "crash out" sleeping for the day if I do too much, so its not a cure as such.
I will continue to take it  for the rest of the year at least and see what happens over a longer period of time, as its not doing me any harm as I know of?

It's costing just the price of a container of fresh milk so not expensive either and if the reports on the web are right it's good for losing tummy fat and we all could do with a bit less body fat.

The supermarkets sell shelf loads of probiotic drinks in the UK which have less active "alive" than the home made kefir has in it.

Microorganisms present in the grains include:
 lactic acid bacteria,
Lactococcus lactis subsp.
Lactis,
Streptococcus thermophilus,
Lb delbrueckii subsp. Bulgaricus,
Lb helveticus,
Lb casei subsp. Pseudoplantarum and Lb brevis,

Plus a variety of yeasts, such as Kluyveromyces, Torulopsis, and Saccharomyces, acetic acid bacteria among others. It has antibiotic and antifungal properties as well.

Home made kefir contains many vitamins, minerals, amino acids and enzymes.
Particularly calcium, phosphorus, magnesium, B2 and B12, vitamin K, vitamin A and vitamin D. Tryptophan, one of the essential amino acids abundant in kefir, is well known for its relaxing effect on the nervous system.

Because kefir also has an abundance of calcium and magnesium, also important minerals for a healthy nervous system, kefir in the diet can have a particularly calming effect on the nerves.

The abundance of enzymes brings more health benefits, especially to lactose intolerant people, many of whom can tolerate kefir without difficulty, as long as the kefir is raw and not cooked (cooking destroys the enzymes).
         

Reprinted with the kind permission of Health Rising.

Please note that we’re at the very early stages of understanding how probiotics may help people with chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) or fibromyalgia. The trillions of bacteria present in the guts of the very heterogeneous ME/CFS and FM communities present much opportunity for variability. Warning: while Carol did very well taking large numbers of probiotics some people with ME/CFS/FM can be sensitive to even small amounts of probiotics.

Hormones its all happening

I finally got my hormones from the clinic... excited and a tad worried at the same time I guess.
Hoping I see results of some kind that is noticeable, now I have the correct hormones rather than internet purchased items from unknown sources. I plan on taking photos of my development month by month until lower surgery, it should be fun.
I said worried in the line above and I am just a bit worried that they may not give me the chest I would like or the soft skin and body hair changes I long for, but I know the clinic will do all they can for me.

I have had my hair weaves done and the have made such a difference to my confidence and general well being, they are well worth the money and pain oh yes pain you have a degree of initial pain, but its OK. Also recently done are my gel nail extensions they make a big difference to your appearance and well worth getting.

I have an appointment at the local hospitals Ear nose and throat clinic for voice work, which is great news, I have a long story about my voice. when I was about 7 years old my voice was very girly and female so my parents took me to a hospital clinic (ENT) where they forced to talk in a deeper male sounding voice I was encouraged to place my hand on my chest and feeling for vibration when I spoke so I knew it was sounding deeper. This voice work ended up putting me in another hospital for issues with my throat, and bleeding from the throat area, I guess you can join up all of the dots now as to me being born transgender and identifying from about 5 years old, but in the 1960's it wasn't understood or even looked at, then you find yourself 50 years later facing major issues not of your own making.

The clinic are 100% sure I have gender dystopia and have been seen and issued with cross sex hormones within 2 months of my 1st assessment ( I have had a total of 3 clinic assessments and several pre clinic assessments at different hospitals over the past 12 months or so) they were quite amazed I managed to get to my age of 54 with out a major meltdown of some kind as it was that evident to them I was a transgender person one said to my partner I was a sever case, so I'm very happy in the NHS England and the service the have so far offered me. https://www.england.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/int-gend-proto.pdf

Happy... I have never been so happy to be alive,
I smile all the time and I'm really enjoying life for once.
My work place has been very good and the people just great, loads of support and help I didn't expect any of it, but like any lady I love it so thanks to everybody at my work for everything.

 

Update on the hormones thing...

Well..
Everything seems to be just "better" than it was before, each day seems "brighter" than it was before. Not by huge amounts just enough to be noticeable. I'm starting to feel like the real me for once.

From my research I don't expect much to start to happen till about a month on hormones, but I was wrong, one week on the pills I have noticed a small noticeable change in me. I do expect a decrease in my sex drive, at about 3 weeks on female hormones as a lot of people have commented on this on various websites, I have also been told breast development may start with tender nipples etc.

But everybody is different so it's a case of we will have to wait and see what happens, but initial feelings from week one are I feel better, so much better the hormones must be working on the brain first and your mood/feelings before adjusting the body, I guess you don't build a house without sound foundations do you. More update's to follow.

 

 

Laser hair removal...

Hi Just a quick update.

Yesterday I went to have a consultation at the skin clinic regarding my beard growth and not wanting or needing it as a woman. The place is a private clinic and it was spotless and very friendly and welcoming to me, they used all the correct pronouns and treated me with great respect which was brilliant. the lady who conducted the skin test was called Kayleigh and she was the top person in the clinic for laser hair removal, it showed as she was fantastic and has worked with transgender people in the companies other clinic's in Manchester, Liverpool and Mayfair London, so I felt right at ease lying on the couch in the laser room.



Having a salt and pepper beard I was sure it would work on my beard growth... but it did the tests were very good and Kayleigh told me I have a very high chance or killing off the beard in six sessions. As the laser need hair pigment only the dark hair will be blasted so there will still be additional work needed to clear my whole face, the Gender Clinic advised me to try laser as the newer machines have given others very good results and its reasonably pain free but uncomfortable yes, or that what the hospital consultant told me! It was a bit of a stinging sensation or like being snapped by an elastic band  for just one moment so not bad, but that was just the testing I have booked in for next week to have the whole face done so my update may tell a different tale to this...

OK the face is under way on the 14th and on the 15th I'm getting my hair extensions sewn in it will take 4 to 5 hours of braiding and sewing in the extensions but the results I'm told are nothing but fanatic however there is quite a lot of pain involved and a few sleepless night to overcome, I have been warned no gain with out pain, still it will be great to have a fantastic hair style and look better than I do, Sarah who runs the salon is going to be about helping the lady get the hair how I want it so two stylists... I'm very excited with the changes that I have waited and saved up for to happen its been a long time coming this transition, I'm taking things slowly its just these to events have had to fit in other peoples calendar's and appointment books its just fate that they have come next to each other in January 2016.

everybody at work has been great and I haven't had a bad word spoken to me I've had loads of email support and its great to be me finally, I've had make up tips and dress styling advice and offers to go shopping for outfits, of course some in the work place may not approve but I haven't seen them yet I bet it will knock me for six when I do get a negative response but I will have to balance that with the good. I do get annoyed that some narrow minded people think its a choice thing which its not the only choice was to commit suicide or progress with coming out, I'm glad coming out worked for me, but then again Europe isn't backwards thinking on this, like America appears to be who's right wing politics don't appear to accept the condition as a birth defect and see it as choice the person makes, very strange that they struggle with it so much.

My new life

 

 

Well coming out at work has been much better than I could have ever hoped it could have been.

I am genially surprised at the level of support my co-workers have been offering me, I have had loads of hugs and well done you messages, it has taken me back for sure.

 

I thank everybody for your support you have shown me and offered me.

 

Well I still have a very long way to go on this path I have to go down it’s not a choice a transgender person really has the only choice is when you have to face the truth or keep on running, for me it was Now I can’t put off doing that needs to be done. Otherwise it would have been the morgue for me, it hurts me to admit that, but that was sadly my option as I saw it, others may see it different that I will not know but for me it was an end point and a turn in the road.

 

I awake each morning excited at what the day will bring me and who will as me stuff about coming out and being transwoman, I told a couple of people today about a question a certain member of the medical profession asked me very early on, "Why do you think you want to be a woman" I was shocked but that was the idea I think, so I replied honestly and said "I don't want to be a woman". "I am a woman" strangely enough the questions changed... and that is how I have always viewed myself a woman trapped in a male body, my parents always said I should have been a girl and my older sister the boy, I guess they were right as far as I'm concerned,. It would have made life much easier for me if I was complete from day one as a girl.

 

It’s not until you take the plunge and come out as transgender will you ever know what people think of you, I have been lucky and had just about 100% positive support from the people I have talked to about being transgender. Yes, it was a shock to them to hear or read it in an email message as I had hidden my female self so well for nearly 50 years I had become a true master of disguise. I know some people will not like the news but in the UK we have the equality Act that helps to protect you and in work if it’s a large company they generally have a policy on the whole thing,

My place of works HR department has been 100% behind me and my department has put together a communication plan to release the news to all (3,578 staff at the last count). Although coming out is a personal thing I have found you need to explain to people about being trans as they really don't know much or anybody else personally who is transgender and they want to avoid saying the incorrect thing and feel on edge around you. Therefore, they can just take the easy option, and steer clear leaving you feeling isolated and alone. My personality is to go and see them and break the ice say hi do you want to talk? If they know you well they will want to say something. I have discovered it’s a two way street and both side has feelings and feel loss and shock, time can heal most things but it can also be a barrier and come between you.

 

I am now waiting on a letter from the NHS Gender Identity Clinic to my doctors to tell them to prescribe female hormones to me and arrange full blood tests, so the effects can be monitored and the hormones adjusted to suit me. How cool is that? I will finally get to feel at home in my own body for the first time in nearly 50 years :-).

I hope I'm not expecting them to be the cure-all of my transgender issues but I do hope they start to sort this body and mind out for once. I have done the suicide thing a couple of times its a dark place for sure and I never want to be in that state again.

 

Early on I read about transgender people being very suicidal at times, and thought huh not me... how stupid I must have been, to think all of this wouldn't cause me great suffering at some point and it did.

I am grateful I saw some way of getting through it all at that time and called out for help... I was 100% committed to doing it as well It was a very cut and dried thing and in my mind logical. In everybody else’s it was of course not. However, desperate people do desperate thing I am afraid. I yet don’t know if I will get that bad again I just hope I don’t for everybody around me who has shown me support and love, I owe them to live through the change and come out a champion, and a dam fine woman.

I just love these two paintings, from the art deco period.

The dog in the first painting always draws me into the picture what has he seen to have made him look, was it a spoken word he heard? Either was he’s captured. (The dog might of course be a she the viewer is not shown any more than its head.)

In the second painting, and I see hope, dreams and beauty. It is as if you are yet again drawn in to the painting and sitting on the same beach during some magical time long ago.