What did it feel like before comming out as Female...

I have been asked by a few people what it like to be a woman trapped in a male body for so long. Therefore, I thought I had best blog it...
 
Well I had sufficient coping mechanisms and distractions to enable me to struggle on for so long. Developing ME certainly is one of them for sure, as it wipes your life clear of just about everything you can think of and leaves you in a total mess. To have to recover from the ruins of your life and start all over again is great for developing inner strength and goal setting abilities, you tend to reach a point when you are about as low as a person can be and still be alive.
I functioned within a 4 hour window at the most the rest of my life was spent asleep, it’s not a refreshing sleep and you awaken as exhausted as before you slept. I still suffer like that 20 years after developing ME, but I can just about cope but only just and I crash out at the slightest changes to my life or my health. I feel like I am forever dangling in a thin wire from a great height, just about everything affects me. Nevertheless, after many failures, setbacks, and relapses I have finally managed to function in some manner that is seen by most around me as being close to a normal life.
Well normal for about 7 hours a day after which I have to withdraw and have total rest. So I have coped with being transgender and being trapped in the wrong body as I just had to cope due to very serious health issues happening to me. Being strong willed, and determined to cope in the wrong body until I died was the goal.

However Pandora’s box was opened when trying to deal with a bout of depression that had a hold of me, I had been trying to stick to the promise I made myself many years ago, to not come out as the effect of such news could totally destroy the life I had struggled to build up and maintain. I saw a psychologist who was helping me he simply explained to me that a pan on a stove without a lid boils away, however the same pan with a lid boils over, contents spill out and you cannot put it all back in the pan. That was the situation I found myself in, I had to confront my transgenderism there is no magic pill to stay the way I had been as suicide in these cases is too common and the medical profession know of a 99% cure. Transition from male to female so you find me sitting here trying to put a handle on 50 years oppression and guilt, sadness and loss. I made the decision in all of this and I thought I was able to control it all but nature wins every time.

 

If the world see's you as they expect the world doesn't then ask too many questions (so long as you conform to what the world expects and demands of you)...

It is sad but that is how I have coped, expressing what people expect of me, you can slide by unrecognised and unhurt by their reactions to you. You have to be whoever the mask you are wearing portrays you as, getting dressed and going out into the world every day is like a performance in a long running soap drama that is your life. You learn to act for 24/7 and become  your own life long Truman show.Its not fair but we all know life is not fair at times.

Nobody knew as I grew up I was like this, and if they feel I have cheated and lied about who I am, they first need to look inside of themselves at all the things they do and don't make public. Because everybody lives in a glasshouse and as such should not throw stones. If anybody feels betrayed cheated or lied to… I'm truly sorry you feel like that, as it was never my intension to do that to you or for you to feel that way about me. But for me to survive I personally had to hide who I was, my physical body and brain don't match, and you know or can guess the world was not ready for that in the 1960's. I do not ask for pity just understanding on what I have lived with and what I am finally able to do about it.

 To feel safe living behind masks and a psychological wall is not great either, but to have survived until now is. I can finally be who I should have been and it would really help me cope with appearing from behind my psychological wall and masks if you would please help me, help me to be the kind of person you knew I was deep down.

You see I haven't really changed I'm still me I still like the same things I did, I still laugh at the same stuff and like the same everything I did before, what has changed is you now know I should have been a physically female from birth, and my appearance is changing to reflect the new me. I'm so much happier brighter and more fun to be around, as I do not need to hide who I am any longer I am now me.