Finding yourself

Coming out as transgender is a long process.

 

I discovered this despite wanting a quick transition, let me explain further. 

I came out in 2014 to my family and they all accepted me, my daughter wasn't surprised and had guessed I was trans, so much for keeping it under the radar! 

I came out at work in 2015 and It was a planned coming out, (I was a Project manager at the time.) I didn't want to be the subject of department gossip around the water cooler. So I came out and all went well I worked with the HR department and the diversity team where I worked, I became the go to person for Trans issues and events. they would invite me to all sorts of events to show they were LGBTQ friendly and accepting company. At first I was pleased to be in the spot light but after a while I began to feel the company was using me and my transition. So I left the employer and took a more relaxing job with another company than employed me as a woman, the fanfare of having a trans member of staff in the past job was over, I enjoyed my newly found freedom. Then the world had Covid19, working from home and all that, little did we know the world was about to undergo massive social changes because of Covid19 and as I write this we are still having to have booster jabs for Covid in fall 2022.

All this working at home during lockdown in the uk I had time to reflect on my transition I asked my self several questions on transition. One has it gone to plan? Two was I happy  and Three would I change anything? Three big question I guess every trans person thinks at one time or another. 

So to answer as quickly as I can, yes it did go to plan and I would recommend anybody coming out to plan as much as you can so you can control the biggest event in your life as much as possible, okay I'm aware you can't ever control every aspect of a transition but having information to hand to educate people you work with is a must. to educate family on the in's and out's of being transgender is very important. A lot of people including family will not get the need to come out and you will get Dead named a lot of the time. you have to develop a thick skin to being Dead Named, I found people don't do it on purpose they forget especially if they are old or of a forgetful nature. 

Two, yes I am very happy but it did take a while to find the real me... You see I have hobbies that I stopped doing as I thought it wasn't girly enough so I stopped doing the things that brought me a lot of joy, one of these hobbies was motorcycles. During lockdown I decided to buy another motorcycle for transport and to get some fresh air from working at home. I was the best thing I could have done I got so much pleasure throwing my leg over the bike and just riding somewhere. I now have a couple of motorcycles mainly off road trials bikes, that I ride as and when I wish. I started looking for YouTube female riders and found several including itchy boots Girl on a bike and Saffy Sprocket. I quickly realised its acceptable to be a female and ride a motorcycle. I feel that being the real me is a very complex thing and being happy is a very important part of good mental health. You have to be happy in the skin your in.

Three, would I change anything, I guess yes I wouldn't stop doing things that make me happy as women do everything and the boundaries are only in your mind, yes you might get strange comments and looks from some people but I discovered I can deal with it, as I have the enjoyment being happy gives me. I think it's their problem if they don't like me or understand who I am. Being in a good place you have a special energy that builds you up and gives you the I can do this attitude.

So if you find yourself considering changing back to the old you (detransitioning) stop and ask yourself what's causing you to think that might be the solution to the situation as you probably were very unhappy pre transition so you are likely. to be in the same loop in a short while? being You doesn't have to have a label you can identify as who you feel best as, for me it's female. Lockdown had given me the chance to look at myself and reflect on my life and what is important.  During lockdown the NHS stopped all non essential surgeries and that included upper and lower surgery for a lot of people transitioning, the waiting lists is vey long and the NHS has been dropping people off the surgery lists. you have to jump through hoops once again. so its back to the gender clinics to be put back on surgeons lists for upper and lower surgery. 

So from Covid 19 I have learned a lot about myself and about people around me, people have lost friends and family in covid it has been a time to reflect on life and and the changes brought to us all with Covid19. 

You have to stay positive and accept things you can't change and embrace the life you have, there are losses along the way in every life that we have to overcome and come to terms with. so moving forward live the life you have and enjoy every second you have. The Pandemic has shown us how it can be taken away in a second.

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