Inside I was female and loved doing girly things but society had me hide away, now I have taken the brave step of telling just about everybody and their dog that I'm really a female and have been since well forever and a day.
That made me look inward and think about myself, I feel everybody is so different but I haven't changed... I'm still me Nicola the change for me is everybody else now knows I'm a female trapped in a male body and treats me well err different. Which is very great please don't get me wrong, but different to me as with the news they have to change, I'm still ticking along. I guess it’s a coping mechanism of some kind?
If people can’t cope with the news and behave badly towards me, well I simply don't need them in my life, it’s like a switch being thrown. If on the other hand they offer me, some emotional support and friendship well welcome on board the Nicola express.
Being rid of the pressure of having to conform to male stereotyping plus taking the female hormones daily I feel released of lots of things that were binding me. I know I said I haven't changed well I have lots and lots but for me it's so far all for the better. With my hair all done and make up, I look years younger my clothes actually fit rather than hang on my body. My weight has dropped (3.5 stone at the last count), the lines on my face "worry lines" all gone I smile much more when I walk its now with my head up.
At night, I sleep better and awake each morning with a happy smile, so changes yes they continue to happen, my wife Julie told me my male "sent" has now faded, my body is using the hormones correctly and adjusting my body to that of a female. I think my wife is worried I will no longer want to service or fix the car or the lawn mower etc. when they need it.
I'm sure she thinks she will have to take on some of the roles seen as male in or relationship but that will not be the case, I’m happy to function as before but perhaps in a cute pair of jeggings and a nice top… I still have the DIY skills I had, I still have the same hobbies and interests and love of technology, as I have not changed as I said before. If you are a happily married in a heterosexual marriage, you do not stop loving the person you are married to just because you swapped a pair boxers for some cute fitting undies. Being trans-female is not a curse it’s not an issue unless you make it one.
Being a couple in love and seeing the person you love for who they are, is far more important than applying labels to people. I didn’t have much, if any option not to transition as I had reached the end of a long journey trying to be who I wasn’t. I was told by medical specialists in the GIC I attend, that Pandora’s box had exploded with such force it was never going to be possible to put a lid on everything, tucking it all back in and think nothing has happened. As I keep pointing out in the blog pages it’s not a choice but biological pre-birth issue, all I could ever do is deal with it in the best possible way available to me and others like me. To say I have struggled every day and every second of every day is a underestimate in my mind as its taken me to the point of self-destruction and now I’m getting the correct help so I can live and function as I should have since birth. I’m thankful to everybody around me, family friends and everybody at work who has come out and supported me on the journey, I can never thank you all enough for your support understanding and help. However, I can say thanks you for changing your view of me and thank you for changing how you have accepted me as a person who is transgender and becoming a woman I should have always been.
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