Down The Rabbit Hole

I have struggled for decades and decades with my Transgender and often likened my struggle with Alice in wonderland and the rabbit hole, last year I suddenly found myself sitting on the edge of losing everything and having a loss pileup of my own…

With Transgender issues, you have to wear many masks to please everybody including yourself, I might add... Then you try to function as those around you have come to expect you to function, some people manage this for just a few “teen” years others put in place coping mechanisms that enable you to carry on for a much long time.

However, just like sitting and playing around a large opening in the ground, you just like Alice one day will slip and fall down, something may become so oppressive and upturning that you find that you have finally had enough of hiding your true feelings.

At this point I fell down this rabbit hole on a trip that I didn’t know where it would end, or what sort of mess I would have to deal with, all I knew was it was time. We do not have a choice in being transgender we do however, have a big choice in what we do about it.

It’s making that choice people find hard, but with careful planning and truth you can at least reduce the loss pileups you encounter. There will be some friends and family who "don't get it" I'm still not sure what they don't Get but I have enough happening not to worry what they understand and what they don't understand, I just point everybody to these pages and hope it helps them to understand Transgender issues as well as picking up a good recipe to cook with. My father would say at this point "you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink" so I guess he is right yet again on this subject. Dad's have a habit of doing that...
 

I Guess what I'm trying to convey, is true friends will be there for you. People you do not know will also come out of the woodwork and be there for you, and some will run a mile in the opposite direction despite being family or close friends. You cannot read a book by its cover as they say and you cannot prejudge people in your life. All I have ever promised them who are there for me is the truth nothing more nothing less.

 

I can’t advise anybody to go down their own magical rabbit hole, I can’t tell you everything will be ok because it might not be. I am finally honest with myself and I feel finally free but not alone, as I feared. If you seek the same it will be your freedom and yours alone, all the pieces of your life will come together given time and understanding.
If someone is a dumbass with most things you hold dear its a safe bet they will be a dumbass with you telling them your transgender, well at least they are consistent... even if its failing to understand or considering how you feel and wish to express yourself.
It's their issue not yours, so just move on if they really want to know they will ask and find out at their own time and pace, if you're like me and  have known since you were five your body was all wrong, it comes as no real shock, but for someone who has taken you at face value its a big thing, and they can back away. 

 

The secret has to be in telling people your transgender is to drip feed them the bits of info you have over time, judge their reaction to the information and news, and then adjust your approach to the subject of transgender. Something like

"Have you seen the TV show being Jazz" they will either say yes or no, or pass a comment on it.

You now have a very slight insight into their knowledge and understanding, or viewing habits it’s a place to start, I would say something like "I was channel hopping and it came on, its about a transgender teen" the conversation from there onwards can open up or just end. but its starting the dialogue on transgender. If they start quoting the Bible or some other religious text or start saying cruel unkind words about Transgender people, I would just walk away from the subject as they are a tough nut to crack and you don't need the emotional hangover this person will give you at this time.

Other people may react to you talking about Being Jazz TV show in a more positive way and show understanding and you can start to show your expressions and feelings a bit more. Avoid the sledgehammer approach as it leads to drama and misunderstandings all round, however at times it’s the easiest way "drop the news and run" return to them later on to pick up the pieces, and answer a whole load of questions. Some about you and transgender but quite a bit of it affects them and their interaction with you, be honest and truthful it may hurt buy lies destroy relationships.

My family have over the past 18 months have realised I am still me, I buy daft items still on EBay, dive under cars to fix them and fiddle with the house wiring and plumbing when it needs looking at. They have quite naturally had to consider their role in all of this change and are they threatened by the changes, it’s not just me it’s everybody I interact with every day. They all have to adjust to the new me (as I posted earlier on the blog site "everybody's so different but I haven't changed").   

I have been me since I was born, and knew who I am since I was perhaps five or six. Therefore, I have had time /years to come to terms with being transgender and that has taken me 40+ years to come out, so waiting for someone else to "get it" is easier to understand when you think about it. Give them time, space and understanding, and carry on transitioning, as it is your life and if they want to be in that life they will and if not they will stay away. It is not worth getting depressed or ill over it; you more than likely knew it was not going to be an easy journey. However, you have started, that took guts to do, so pat yourself on the back and stay positive, hang in there. Before you consider it, Suicide is not a way out, it leaves so many holes in people’s lives and they will all wish you had contacted them and been in contact telling them how you feel. In the UK we have the Samaritans.They are there for you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need a response immediately, it is best to call them on the phone. This number is FREE to call. Tel:116123