It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
- Elton John, "Your Song"

Well  Elton John could have been describing my feelings exactly when he wrote those words above. 

When you start to realise that things are not quite right as a child, and your body is a big mistake compared to how it should have been, in your own mind/feelings. 

I actually thought every boy feels the same as  I did, so I rationalised my life around those thoughts only to discover at around age of ten, that this is note the case...

So after burying how I felt for so long, it became normal to feel mixed up and lost in a crowded room, when you are so mixed up you lose a little bit of the real you every day. Coming out you hope to find the real you. However, I think it will take quite a while to recover the lost me.

The bits I have found have been great upto now, and as time passes I can only hope to be complete one day.

When a transgender person is wanting to transition it is not altering one's sex, but affirming one's underlying gender identity. It is not done to evade or to be someone you are not; rather, it is to realize who you deeply are."

Below is the top 5 things people regret in their lives before death.


 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Regrets so far...

It may sound hard but I don't really subscribe to regrets concerning my transgender , looking back to what may have been, or even to what I have or have not... life is far too short for that.

I believe that we have only this moment in time, to make choices to be the best person we can be. I feel that I do not have to be a certain way to meet any expectations placed on me by society around me.

As daft as it sounds, I do believe that the internal struggle that went on for so long with my gender identity was perhaps necessary, and I guess it has helped to make me who I am right now.

The hard road we travel is a route some have to tread, in order to grow into a complete person. Others may not need to tread this path in order to be who they really are. We are all different people made up of complex actions and reactions, we build up barriers in order to survive from day to day, but every turn and bend in the road is the journey of being transgender.

Christmas Eve at last

Hya all,
Its my first Christmas as Nicola and I'm so excited, Its like being 12 all over again, and waiting for Santa to come and leave presents... so excited at my first girly Christmas.

Last night I watched Mamma Mia! The Movie it was great to sing along and laugh to, its such a great movie to give you that "it will be all right" kind of feeling. I am now working on my voice so my next mission is singing as it helps you match a female pitch and tone. When I was young 5/6 years old I had to go to the local hospital as I spoke very quietly and in a female style, now I have to unpick all of that training somehow to sound female again, its a strange life for sure but you soon learn to adapt and change if its what you really want.

I was in the doctors waiting room this morning and thought what do I do if I need to pee which rest room do I use, as I look female most times and a bit male at other times? I guess using the one I'm most comfortable in  would be best depending on how female I'm looking at the time?
I know in some states in America its not that easy due to the law in that state, but thankfully in the UK its not quite like that, but you could easily end up in a battle with other restroom users. Women might think you could rape them? well after being on hormones this can not happen as everything changes with hormones, if you know what I mean... 
In the gents restroom you could very easily be a rape victim or at the least battered and needing hospital treatment or police help. 
Its a tough one for sure, also the venue is another thing to consider, the local boozer is perhaps not safe unless you know its trans friendly. So I tend to stick to big chain outlets that are geared up for families and visitors from out of town, as a male I could have gone anywhere and been OK, but as Nicola I find I have to pick the place and time to go out more closely.  

Need to Pee

So if you in the toilets and see a mannish looking trans-woman please, consider what it has taken for them to actually go in and pee... as they could be me. I guess at the start of transitioning you tend to stand out from the crowd as the hormones have not been taken long enough to change your body shape or regrow hair or to soften the skin etc if you looked like Kate Moss from the get go, I don't think it would be an issue but looking like you have been in a Les Dawson sketch its another thing all together.

Les at his very best...

Stay safe this Christmas and I hope Santa is good to you.

 

self-medication of internet purchased hormones- don't do it

Just a quick note on self-medication of internet purchased medication to help feminize and de masculinize your body… Hormones are very completed when used in cross sex treatment; it is not like taking a headache pill or cold relief mixture. I am not medically trained I only have common sense. I can only speak from my own treatment by a NHS GIC who have been great.

Sadly, too few individuals have addressed their own internal conflicts and fears concerning their transgenderism. As a result, addressing one's transgender concerns may unsettle the individual wishing to pursue proper and sound medical treatment from a correct source.

The individual, who may readily appreciate the risks associated with self-medication and less than acceptable therapies under other circumstances, may opt for such solutions in the transgender milieu. 

Accordingly, the likelihood of serious health risks and poor outcomes is unacceptably high as a result. Sensibility and proper medical management are the cornerstones for a successful outcome. Please transition correctly as reversal is close on impossible and self-medication may “bugger up” your chances of a successful transition to female or even kill you before you get to be female.

gender dysphoria

Gender Dysphoria

Living with and coming to terms with the condition, some people will want to hear certain views on this and some will not, that’s life and how well educated people are is our choice.

 Gender dystopia in my view is something that can and will surface at some point in some people’s lives, and it can be supressed to some degree but like most things, it will almost always keep on being an issue for the person concerned. It has for me…

As it’s a condition that happens in the womb to the unborn child and is in my experience either a blessing or a curse depending on your view. Its greatly miss under stood by most and transgender issues are thought of as a choice by some people however, if you consider it happens to the unborn child similar to being given a mix of eye colour or being left handed it’s not a choice is it? Neither is being transgender. Some accept the facts some like to believe it is a person’s choice, when in fact the only choice is to address it or perhaps not. I chose to address it after struggling with the condition.

My family have been supportive much more than I expected, and my work place have accepted the news well. I had a useful letter  I had drafted up to be read out to them in a special meeting arranged to tell them. They really appreciated my honesty and truthfulness in this personal matter, and given the access to the facts as I saw it, (from a person with gender dystopia.) Has helped them process the news, to say it is going to be plain sailing would be naïve of anybody, especially a transgender person who has lived knowing they have a gender issue for close on 50 years.

So what is changing… well it would be an under estimate if I thought not much would change, since I work in the UK second largest University with 38,500 plus students, it will be news some do not need to know about, and some may need to know. Some may well have similar feelings and wanting to express their own gender, while still young and away from home for the first time.

There is no right time or wrong time when a person should consider making this move to come out. It is very personal, but if there is sufficient support in place, it can be a wonderful experience. The secret is support and understanding plus self confidence in the new you…

So to return to the tag line above “So what’s is changing” my appearance for one is and will continue to change as the hormone injections make their work known, as I’m Male to Female my appearance change will be noticed and scrutinized by all I come into contact with, male and female alike. This will be stressful at times but it is something I kind of look forward to.

I thought coming out to family and work colleagues went better than I could have ever imagined, so we both decided to “bite the bullet” and we informed our neighbours either side of our home via a small personal note in our Christmas cards, expecting lit beacon’s and  pitch forks etc. waiting for us. We received cards of support from them… so coming out is not all bad and there is at times when people you know well and not so well will surprise you with sincere words of support.

Therefore, everything changed and nothing has really changed, I have been upfront and honest with all I have decided to tell. What about your kids I hear you say? Well it turns out I have brought up two fantastic kids who respect and support me 110%.

So my advice is pick the right time to come out, do not rush it, allow people time to think about your news. Be ready to answer their questions, and I think no question is stupid perhaps wrongly phased, misplaced or mistimed.  However, some maybe none of their business and you are right to brush these aside and politely refuse to answer such questions.

Life is for living and ignorant people with issues will be in your friends and family circle for sure, I have been lucky in not coming up against this yet but I know some people will be like this so be ready for it.
I am for once happy with my life...

 

To say your trans or not?

Hi
I have read quite a bit on line about people wanting to still hide the fact your transgender and not a real female? I feel it depends on the person concerned.

Personally I find being true and just being me is a great weight of my shoulders and if people treat me any different because of that its their issue not mine, if you took the time to read my first page you will know I have struggled and build a blood big wall around me knocking down the wall for me is being true to how I am. at 6' and 90kg you’re a big woman and at 54 you’re a big old woman compared to many. Knock's I have had a few and not for being transgender, bar fights with knives been there done that, street fighting with bottles done that also, so what people say or do against me I can cope with, I can always fight back if that's the route they choose to venture down...

I think they can either accept I'm me and all of my past has shaped me to this point or start from now as a woman, I leave that choice to them at present, as the hormone injections do their magic I might change my views and hide my past but at present I think why the hell should I...

If anybody is reading this blog of mine, and are feeling vulnerable at coming out please don't think too much about what people think, as their views are shaped by their knowledge and experience just like yours are. They may be stronger at putting over their views than you are but you count and you can make changes that help you.

You must never ever give up on life, things don't always happen as you would hope, my younger cousin found she could not cope but failed to talk to me about her feelings, and sadly committed suicide by hanging... did she fix anything err no, its a form of giving in, in my world... and I don't just give in. She never knew I was there for her 24/7 she must have felt the burden too much, so you never know who is going to support you and who is going to just run for the hills.

Be strong and be you, with your head held up high, the suffragette’s never gave up did they, and nor should you.

TransNicola a true transgender story to help people understand a bit more...

Well it’s a first for me... a blog?

I have had many firsts in 2015, and a few first for the people I love and who are around me I guess.

Coming out as transgender is not easy to say the least, but honesty is the best policy and if people can’t handle that I have to say it’s their issue not mine.

Being transgender is not a choice a person has as it happens pre-birth in the womb a kind of birth defect, people can never see when looking at a new-born child. I do not have odd coloured eyes or a missing limb or anything that show I have a defect. I was assigned male the moment I “popped out” and took my first breath.

Society dictates if you have a male appearance then hay your male, and if you have an outward female appearance, you are a girl. However, the mind of that child may not match the label attached to the body. This is the case for me, I have hidden the fact that I feel wrong in this body and as a child had to have voice therapy to speak male… I loved playing as a girl but sadly told boys do not do this or boys do not do that, so quite naturally you start to build a defensive wall around your feelings masking how you feel and wanting parental approval you soon learn to hide from everybody who you are.

Sadly as you weave this life of lies you find you become trapped in a prison of your own making, I learned to copy and mimic male’s around me, and over compensated a lot of the time not knowing what appears to others as male behaviour and for that I’m so sorry. If there were a bully in school, I would copy them to some degree in order not to be picked upon. Growing up I expressed a reckless attitude and live life as a male even riding in to danger with outlaw motorcycle gangs, all the time hiding the real me away. I pulled it off well I must say, I looked that bad ass my girlfriend walked straight past me in the street, we were shoulder to shoulder and she didn’t know it was me, I called her and she turned and went very defensive with this stranger in front of her, I was bad ass for sure. It was a turning point I had gone too deep as the undercover cops say and gone native…

In bars, people would move out of my way as I entered the place leaving half-drunk drinks rather than stay near me. Bar owners would buy back the beer’s their assistants had sold me, and ban me from the establishment as “they don’t want my sorts in their bar” yep I was a bastard for sure, turning younger lads in to mini copies of me… I had an army behind me willing to do whatever I needed doing. At one point I was banned from every bar in a local town as an “undesirable” and that’s close on 20 bars… When you build a wall make sure it’s an Impenetrable Wall was the way I had learned to cope. I hid behind mask after mask I was unhappy and behaving in such a way family and true friends were afraid.

I could leave the life I had carved out quite easily as I had many masks to hid behind part psychopath I guess and part normal, not being the real me leaves daemons in all sorts of places. Coming out I had to face a few of these for sure and the hangman’s noose was one way out I had planned if it all went “tits up” having bought a good strong rope of sufficient length and even selected a tree it was planned with Military Style. I even had a backup plan of a hose and the car window and an out of the way parking spot. To get to this point in a person’s life, just shows what I have lived with for so long and how damaging putting up walls and protective barriers can be.

I thought of coming out 25 years ago but I wanted a child so I put it off until they were grown up. Then came the second bundle of joy a few years later so again I put it off, it was easier to put it off than to come out as transgender at the time so 25 years later I have two of the most wonderful people I call my children, who are now adults in their own right. So my time has finally come it was a now or never situation, and being the strong person I have become I choose to give being me a go. I could lose every single thing I had and the love of those I held so dear to my very soul.

If anybody is reading this blog and is transgender take heart as live is worth living and living as you.

I announced it to my wife who had been the girl to walk past me all of those years ago not knowing it was me… She was shocked and took some time to process the news, things were going to change and not perhaps how I had thought… it was all to play for as they say.

Time is a great healer and after a month or so, she decided 33 years of marriage and knowing me for considerable more was worth fighting for. I had managed to stay alive for 50 + years with these feelings and if I live for another 50 years as who I should have been, who was she to say no to me as a woman. We worked out a plan to out Nicola to the two children, I received the “I thought you had some bad news to tell us” they were 110% behind me and had guessed there was a little something in my liberal views over the years. So no big deal the earth didn’t stop revolving or anything, the next person was my Mom she is 85, what the hell is going to happen in this situation… well shock was one thing, quickly followed by we knew you were different as a child… the rest of the conversation was full of support and excitement, my Mom wanted to know what outfits I had, and decided I needed better ones to go out in, and insisted she took me shopping as they say Moms know best…

I will let you know more of Nicolas journey in my next blog.

Keep reading and post comments if you wish.
As the story of my life is continuing.

Nicola