I'm not LGBTQ where do I go for help and support?

 I'm not LGBTQ where do I go for help and support?

The answer is Straight Partners Anonymous (SPA) they are a support organisation for straight (Heterosexual) people who discover or who are told that their partner is identifying as Lesbian Gay Bisexual or Transgender (LGBT) and need help in coming to terms with this discovery and support in their decision about what to do next.

Straight Partners Anonymous was set up back in 2008, they have been running online since 2011 and operate from the UK.

SPA’s say on their webpage their that purpose is to bring together straight people whose relationship with their gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner is in crisis. The nature of the crisis can be variable; perhaps the LGBT partner has just come out, or perhaps they feel they are unable to come out of the closet. We exist to support and help each other, not to criticise gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. Our bywords are confidentiality, privacy, and respect.

If you are the LGBT partner in the relationship, please pass this web address below to your straight partner and encourage them to get in touch. We are here to support them. However, you may find our perspective useful, so please feel free to browse through the website.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/contact-us/

You have to remember your partner has to go through several stages once you "come out to them" you have more than likely had years and years to process how you identify and have been masking your feelings, till you can no longer cope with not being who you feel you really are? Your partner will have feelings of Denial and Shock, and then they will have masses of Anger and Resentment, with this comes questions like

How could my partner have done this to me?

Why didn’t he/she tell me this before we got together?

He/she really didn’t love me at all?

He/she is a coward and a fraud?

I don’t deserve this when I’ve tried hard to make him/her happy?

Doesn’t he/she care about our children and how this will affect their lives?

He/she obviously doesn’t respect me because he/she has cheated and lied...

The list goes on and on depending on the situation, and how long you have been in the partnership/marriage as you might have experienced or are expecting people will also feel a sense of Withdrawal and Depression, this is usually when your partner realises that nothing they can think say or do will change your orientation! For some people that means becoming a single parent and/or financial instability, whilst others will have lost confidence to trust their own judgement and fear that they’re unable to survive alone. 

At some point doesn't your partner will have to reach a point of Acceptance this is when they reach the conclusion and understand that your sexual orientation and the failure of your relationship aren’t, anybody's fault.

Now not every transgender person is interested in the opposite sex say they transition from male to female they may not want to be with men and feel no sexual attraction to males. They may still love females and be attracted to females just as cis lesbians do. 

Some may not come out to the world and just be happy expressing their feminine nature in the privacy of their own home. There are always ways to stay in a marriage if both parties still love each other and wish to make it work.

Teenagers tend to be well educated in Transgender issues and can have peers who have identified as a different gender, or who are experimenting with their gender identity and trying to Identify as he, her, they or them. This doesn't make them a bad person now does it? As a parent we all want the best for our children and for them to be level-headed and happy making the right decisions as they grow to become adults in this world, able to hold their own and be successful in that ever they decide to do in their lives.

If your child comes to you and starts talking about gender please sit with them, listen to them be there for them. Help and support them, help them explore their feelings. Remember common sense is not that common and children have to grow and develop their own common sense in life! Adults who set the rules give guidance and allow children to grow but remember they don't know everything,!  

I know of some people who have been left homeless just for saying they are Transgender, in my mind there is no reason for such action to make it so they have to sleep on the streets where it's totally unsafe for them adult or child. 

So the Genie is out of the bottle time to Transition.

So you have now decided to transition and be the real you, not just a secret.

Well you have come to the right place for information on my transition, and how it might help you to transition. I went from male to female but the process is the same for female to male.

First I recommend two things one, buy a box file for paperwork, and two, start generating a timeline starting as young as you can remember feeling at odds in your body, for me I was five years old.

But for you it can be any time you realised it was all wrong and someone or something had made a massive mistake with your body.

(At this point I would like to say GOD doesn’t make mistakes you are how GOD intended you to be… so if your religious or your family are let’s get that out in the open now before I move on, I say this because my family are Christians and church going, I tend not to bother GOD as he appears quite busy with other goings on).  

So once you have a timeline keep adding to it, documenting what you’re doing and events that are important to your transition. You can thank me later…

At some stage of your transition you will have to change your name by legal deed-pol, (in the UK) there are free sites out there, just check that they are legally accepted as a lot are not. I went to a solicitor and got an official deed-pol, but that was my choice. 

You will need to carry out your name change on everything that holds your old name, from bank accounts to utility bills, council tax to store cards, passports and driving licences everything.

The sooner you do this, and keep a record and any evidence of it the better.

When you finally get your first appointment with the gender clinic, if you can prove you have lived in your chosen gender for a period of time, which should be able to do with your timeline document this in theory should reduce the time you spend waiting to get the Clinics okay for hormone treatment.

I was concerned with how I looked and I didn’t want to be outed as a male transitioning to female, so look at what people of your age group are wearing, and aim for something similar or a little understated, if you want to blend into society fairly hassle free. For goodness sake don't overdo things like make up or outlandish outfits. Just be yourself and confident, keep your head held high, going about your everyday business, if you look and feel confident in your chosen clothes and makeup you will not stand out like a sore thumb, you will be surprised as most people won't even notice you. Which means you’ve passed as your chosen gender which in my case Female.

Transitioning is quite a long process but assuming you have already reached the decision to transition let’s move on.

It’s best to visit your chosen General Practitioner GP/Doctor, and ask to be referred to a gender clinic, you can normally choose which one, but do bear in mind, you'll need to attend the Gender Identity Clinic a lot of times during your transition, but tell your GP which gender clinics you want to be under however, at present there isn't many to choose from in the UK. 

It’s wise to ask the doctor for a copy of the letter they send referring you to a GIC, (do you remember the box file I said get at the beginning, stick it in there) unfortunately all too often I hear that their GP/Dr 'forgot' to send the letter and they have lost 6 months waiting to hear back from the GIC and lists are horrendously long as it is.

So at some stage you will need to tell your Family, Employer, Work colleagues and Friends, be prepared as they might not react the way you wanted or expected either from Family or friends ect. Remember it’s taken you quite a while to get to this point… But explain everything to them, how you feel and why you are doing it.

With some luck your family will come round, but it may take some time for them to digest the news. Your employer will have a duty under the law to accept your news (Equalities Act 2010 if you’re in the UK) and deal with anything untoward from colleagues and co-workers. If you’re in a trades union they are also are very helpful and are fully LGBTQ compliant with current issues and the law etc. my Union was the GMB and were faultless in helping me, as was the companies Unison’s rep which was nice.

copy and paste these wiki links to learn more. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equality_Act_2010
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Recognition_Act_2004

Transgender Male to Female Breast Elargement Surgery

Breast enlargement surgery, also known as breast augmentation or a boob job is the cosmetic procedure to enlarge the size of the breasts with the use of implants.

The implants used to enlarge the breasts are either silicone or saline.

A 'boob job', this type of procedure is one of the most popular cosmetic surgery procedures for Transgender women in Manchester and throughout the UK.

When a Transgender woman opts for breast enlargement surgery, their main aim is usually to give themselves breasts that match that of a CIS woman, the aim is to improve your self confidence and overall looks.

This is achieved with enlarging the breasts, which gives breasts a fuller feel and can positively impact the mind and body.

Why Choose This Procedure?

Enlarging the breasts will add volume, making them look more round and larger.

Trangender women who are unhappy with their breasts development from cross sex hormones, whether because they are still flat, or have recently experienced change such as weight-loss, this procedure will give you the breasts you should have been born with, the procedure is identical as for a CIS woman.

You will need to have professional advice prior to surgery, where you will discuss the different procedures and different types of implants and techniques available  a professional consultants is able to advise on.

Although breast enlargement is a way for many transgender women to help their self esteem and boost their self confidence, however it is a decision that should not be taken lightly.

If you are considering implants, then it is important to research on-line and speak with a surgeon, who can provide you with professional advice on your needs, realistic goals and procedure options that are available for you and your body.

Discuss Your Needs With A Consultant

Many of the points to take in to consideration when looking for breast surgery include:

• Do you want silicone or saline implants?
• Do you want teardrop or round implants?
• What size implant do you have in mind?
• Will the implant be placed behind the chest wall muscle, or behind the breast tissue?

These are all important points that can be discussed with your cosmetic surgeon.

Your surgeon will also explain the advantages and risks of each of your choices and how it can affect your body Certain factors can determine what procedure you should opt for, such as body-shape, build and weight.

About The Procedure

Breast enlargement procedures are performed under general anaesthetic.

The procedure normally takes around 90 minutes to complete and your surgeon, depending on your procedure, may perform one of three incisions.

1. Under the breast 

2. Around the nipple

3. Near the arm-pit

Incision size depends on where about your chosen implant is being placed.

Once placed, the incision is stitched and the breasts are supported with a dressing and support bra.

If your surgeon recommends that the breasts will need draining of blood and fluids post surgery, small tubes are left inside the breasts for a couple of days. This is common and does not indicate surgery problems.

Recovery

After undergoing breast enlargement surgery, it is normal for a person to feel some discomfort. This can also include swelling, bruising and hardness of the breasts.

For transgender women that feel side effects, painkillers are advised to curb and control pain. It is normal to experience discomfort for up to a few weeks post surgery.

Stitches in the breasts are removed after 7-14 days and scars will continue to fade for the 12 months that follow.

Complications

As with all surgical procedures, there are some risks and complications that can occur.

With breast enlargement, there are a number of specific risks and side effects that you should be aware of before having breast surgery, including:

Infection
Infections are very rare in breast enlargement surgery, however, women can get an infection, which sometimes requires the implant to be removed and inserted at a later date.

Nerve Damage
Although loss of sensation around the nipple can occur on a temporary basis post surgery, there is a chance that some numbness can be permanent.

Rupture
An implant can rupture or leak because of injury - such as a blow to the breast, age or capsular contracture.

Capsular contracture
Internal scar tissue can form a capsule around the implant, which contracts it and causes it to change shape or feel hard. Although one of the more common complications, the chances of it happening are approximately 5%. In most cases, people will notice this complication within the first 24 months of surgery.

Displacement
Implants can sometimes displace inside the breast. Although moving implants is rare, if the displacement is large it will need to be corrected with surgery.

Necrosis
When cells or tissue die or fail to receive sufficient blood supply, it is known as necrosis. This can happen during the healing process and will require surgery to fix it.

Galactorrhoea
The spontaneous production of breast milk can happen after breast surgery. This complication is very rare but if it occurs can go away on its own. However, there has been cases where implant removal is required.

Haematoma
Sometimes a pool of clotted blood can collect in a cavity within the body, known as haematoma.

Seroma
Seroma is fluid that can develop in a cavity after surgery made up of blood plasma, which requires drainage.

How I wear high heels without hurting my feet. (Too much)

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Victory loves preparation...

  

Walking in high heels can be painful. Very painful. That is if you make some common mistakes. So here is how to wear high heels without hurting your feet

So if you want to wear high heels and walk in them like a supermodel, you have to do your homework first. It doesn’t happen like most things in life just because you put the heels on your feet. So you have to take your time to learn how to

First measure your feet and select the correct size that fits you properly feet grow and shrink a bit, so squeezing into a pair that just fits you on a cool day will be hell on a hot day as your feet react to the changes. If you are an odd size or your feet are different sizes, which most people are opt for the bigger one and use a gel insert. Also do not underestimate the importance of having proper width in your shoes men and woman’s feet are different shape so select your shoes with care.

It is really tempting to go straight for those sexy stiletto high heels. But can you handle them? I couldn’t so why not start with lower heights first so your feet can get used to it? Just because you’ve been a passenger on a plane it doesn’t automatically mean you can fly it does it, you need time and training first, it’s the same with high heels.

As you get older your joints become less flexible so are your joints flexible enough?  A quick and easy test a shoe sales person in my local store told me was with your high heels on, stand on your toes as high up as you can without support. The heels should lift up at least a half an inch from the floor, otherwise they are too high for you. It was a good tip that has served me well.

A lot of people make a very common mistake of wearing only one or two pairs of shoes for a few days straight. What really matters though is diversity in your footwear. Mix and match your shoes more often, try to wear different heel heights every day, have a couple types and styles for those days off from heels such as some sneakers or other lower shoes. The variety is important to keep your feet away from getting “fixed” to a certain shoe style which will make over a short period of time difficult to feel relaxed in anything else, young people have their favourite shoes that tend to be skater style trainers trying to get a young person to wear anything else is a struggle ask any parent!

I always avoid wearing my high heels on a bare foot. You need either a thin pair of socks or stockings on as it will lower the friction between foot and shoe and make it much more comfortable and will lower the pain.

Once you have a correctly fitting shoe that isn’t too tall for you, you need to learn to walk in them, learn to keep proper posture. This means head up, spine straight, belly in. Take shorter strides, put the heel on the ground first and then the ball of the foot. Take short breaks from time to time my father would always tell me Victory loves preparation and its true in wearing high heels.

To help you start on your first pair of high heels,  select a shoe with lower height heels, pick a pair with thick heels rather than stilettos as you will wobble like hell in them, also avoid thin sole’s on your first high heels your feet will thank you for it...

Transgender music to listen to.

Terrorvision is a band from the Bradford area of West Yorkshire in Great Britain.


Terrovision released this single in 1998, singing about Josephine, who they first knew as Joe. She was always a good friend (“when friends were hard to find”), and, thankfully, her transition was a non-issue. “So we talked all night/And I just can't pretend/Although I lost old Joe/I got a new girlfriend.”

Terrorvision - “Josephine”

Another artist is singer Alison Goldfrapp details the dream world young Annabel lives in, where she can only imagine being herself when she closes her eyes. “When you dream you only dream you’re Annabel/Sleep reminds you takes you there, oh Annabel,” Goldfrapp coos, ending with “Only a boy under that.” The 2013 music video offers a literal interpretation, including a young trans girl blissfully twirling in pearls and a sequin dress.

Bad Suns - “Salt”

The pop-punk band’s 2014 single “Salt” was inspired by a friend of theirs who was struggling with their gender identity. “Stuck inside of the wrong frame/I don't feel attached to this name,” frontman Christo Bowman sings. “My body, I must reclaim/With different eyes and no shame.” The music video, a gorgeously choreographed but dark component from director Daniel Campos, starred dancer Tamara Levinson as she dealt with the traumas of depression, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault before ultimately deciding to have gender reassignment surgery.

Jillette Johnson - “Cameron"

Another song about a young gender-non-conforming person who isn’t accepted by their family or society, “Cameron” is one of Jillette Johnson’s most beloved songs -- which might be because it’s directly inspired by a real life Cameron she knew and loved. The soulful singer repeats, over and over, that Cameron isn’t the alien the world thinks they are -- “Cameron, you're a star/A light where there is dark/And you're a hundred times a woman/A hundred times the man that they are.”

Is the UK a safe place to be Transgender in 2018?

I know from some recent Stonewall research just how bad things are, if you are trying to get on with your life as a transgender person in Britain today. 

It is known that in the last twelve months, two in five trans people have experienced a hate crime or incident. I know because I was one of the statistics of an unsolved hate crime against me, while simply doing my weekly shopping in the town where I live.

Every day in the UK, transgender people continue to be mocked, excluded, bullied and attacked, simply for existing. I have personally tried with all my heart to make a successful transition, but at the moment I have real doubts on it being successful and I am now even considering de-transitioning on the grounds of my safety. (More on that in a future blog)

Now, other countries are openly agreeing that Britain is in fact an unsafe place for transgender people. How can that be? We were leading the world at one stage on transgender recognition and rights. But the other year, a tribunal in New Zealand granted asylum to a transgender woman from Britain on the basis that her life would be in danger if she returned to the UK.

This should by all rights be considered a national embarrassment, that this is where the UK is on it’s LGBT rights and acceptance.We simply cannot continue to call ourselves a world-leader in LGBT-inclusion, nor a beacon of equality for diverse communities.

It sadly appears that many of our mainstream media from newspaper articles to general social media all seem to have gone to the Donald Trump school of non common-sense.  I think they have in fact even stepped up a gear, over recent months in their attempts to make all the vile transphobia acceptable, even questioning the right of transgender people to even exist in their world.

We must make sure that this isn't something that is ever going to be open for debate, as doing so is giving the go ahead to these messages, that has a very real and devastating real-world consequences for transgender people who just want to live their lives.

Many trans people feel unable to be themselves because of this treatment, whether at work, using public transport or even just shopping for groceries.

Its sad new to hear that the woman recently granted asylum in New Zealand told the courts that she would have to wait until late night to shop for her essentials in Britain. I know we have started to do the similar I don’t thing of going shopping until 8:30pm  or 9pm on a quiet Monday evening. The woman did this so she would be around as few people as possible, because she felt too afraid and unsafe to be herself in public, which is how, I feel nowadays in the UK.

It appears that transphobia in Britain filters down into our children in the UK schools too.We have research that shows almost half of under 18 year old transgender people have attempted suicide, yet in the schools just two in five of the teachers condemn transphobic bullying which is very sad news.

I have read that towards the end of 2017, the government is planning to have a public consultation on reforming the Gender Recognition Act, which if done correctly has the potential to transform the current very invasive and bureaucratic system that governs how transgender people get legal recognition of their new gender. 

As a nation we cannot allow Britain to continue to be an unsafe place for transgender people its currently a unwelcoming and frightening place for transgender people to live work or play. The situation we are in today is totally shameful and avoidable. I only hope the up coming changes to the Gender Recognition Act will be a catalyst for a total change in the publics attitude to transgender people in the UK

laser hair removal update.

The laser hair removal was... well lacking would be the best word, it retarded the hair growth of the dark hairs but it failed to kill all of them off. So here I am looking in the mirror seeing the same old stubble every morning it's so unfair, but that's life.


My next move is to go for electrolysis which by all accounts hurts like heck and costs a bucket load of cash, The NHS England's list of approved electrolysis technicians and salons appears to sparse on the ground in my area, plenty in the larger cities and even some large towns but for me I will have to travel to get beard removal by this method.


My understanding of the process is an electric current is applied using a very fine needle-shaped electrode or metal probe into each hair follicle with the mission to destroy the hair's root.

It all sounds easily enough but hair grows in different stages: growing, resting and shedding. Because all of the hair isn't on the same stage at any given time, multiple sessions are needed to get to the hair removed stage. So in theory each 1" of skin area may or may not need 3 treatments to give you a smooth as a baby's bottom face. now to me that's expensive on the pocket and second sound like a lot of pain spread over quite a while. (If anybody reading this has gone through this treatment please leave me a comment in the section below and let me know how it is going or how good it is at removing face hair.)

Well I have now been to a specialist electrolysis hair removing clinic, and I can confirm it was painful without the anaesthetic cream, so when I book in to have the treatment I will have applied the anaesthetic cream in advance. I'm currently waiting for a NHS England white paper looking at the time that is currently funded by the NHS for electrolysis treatment before I commit to starting the beard removal as in the past is not applied to past persons, so you can lose out on the newer number of treatments the NHS will fund.

I remember reading about a transfemale saying to get the beard stubble started first and after living in role for over 2 years, I can now see what she was getting at. So I recommend anyone reading this blog, to look at beard removal early on as razor burn on your neck is a dead give away every day.

As soon as I start electrolysis treatment I will post updates to this page.

Fat Sick and Overweight.

I am currently changing my diet and lifestyle to a healthy one...a plant-based diet avoiding processed foods meat and dairy.

I like many watched Joe Cross in his personal mission to find a cure to an illness he had and he turned to a juice diet and plant based foods to try to cure himself. The movie is on Netflix and is called Fat Sick and Nearly Dead its worth watching and may give you the inspiration to change your diet and think about what you are eating and is it making you sick?

I know the diet I was on and my lifestyle wasn't doing me any favours, it wasn't bad as such, but unhealthy quite a lot of the time and I knew before watching Joe’s movie I needed to change,

To date I have lost over 26lbs and the weight is still reducing, like any “diet" if you revert back to old eating habits and portion size you will gain weight so I know I need to change my lifestyle as well then my new eating habits will be reinforced and my weight is more likely to stay off.

I am hoping my Ulcerated Colitis will disappear from its current state or reduce to a level that is acceptable and my M.E. reverses somewhat. A big ask I know but I do not have much choice in the matter. Any transgender person is at the mercy of the surgeon if they are Male to Female, as they use a weight to body mass index scale to see if you can have any lower surgery called the BMI.

The gatekeepers of the NHS in England are very strict and will happily leave a person waiting if their BMI is too high. I do not think transgender M2F patients really put much in to their weight loss when they first start on the pathway I know I did not. Thinking back to over two years ago, when I did initially start at the gender clinic my main thought was to get the medication I needed,  I should have addressed my diet then and that way it wouldn’t be at my foremost thoughts now.

As my next appointment at the gender clinic looms. I know the consultant will weigh me and see what kilograms the scales display, the last time he said “let’s see what the hormones have done to you”  so not wanting to hear that again, and trying to lower my BMI has been my secondary driving force to change my diet and lifestyle.

Therefore, when I read that 43 million Americans are on a diet at any given time, and the reality is that most of these people –anywhere from 65% to 98%, (depending on the research source) – will regain the weight they lose within 12 months of losing it and that worries me. So a total change from 2017 onwards is required of me, at diet and lifestyle change and one that I can live with.

The UK’s BBQ season is under way so I have to think of dishes that can be cooked outside on the BBQ, that fulfil my diet of plant based foods. The medium done double steak burger with cheese and bacon will not be made as they smell just too good and be swapped for a bean burger of some kind, and roasted vegetables with sweet potato fries.

I know I will have slip up and “fall off the wagon” as most people do, even Joe Cross found it is difficult to keep his weight off all the time, and you know that’s okay. I know I will have bad days and good days. Getting back on the wagon is just a part of the weight loss and lifestyle change I need to make.

I used Joe’s movie as the extra motivation and inspiration to change what I was eating and what I did, it’s a guide not a rule and like anything in life if it’s worth doing you might as well do it well. I have always tried to live my life according to a few basic rules or principals most of which comes from my parents including being honest with yourself and others, as it normally comes back to you in the end… so it saves a lot of heart ache and time if you upfront as my dear father would say…

Being Transgender is not easy and staying positive while you wait for Gender clinic appointments and surgery is not easy, in fact it's really hard at times.  Having personal goals you wish to achieve is the way to proceed in my view every step I take brings me closer to my goals and wishes. I'm lucky in that I have a close family bond, good friends and work mates who help and support me. I know some don't have this back up and I'm grateful for everyone's support.