I'm not LGBTQ where do I go for help and support?

 I'm not LGBTQ where do I go for help and support?

The answer is Straight Partners Anonymous (SPA) they are a support organisation for straight (Heterosexual) people who discover or who are told that their partner is identifying as Lesbian Gay Bisexual or Transgender (LGBT) and need help in coming to terms with this discovery and support in their decision about what to do next.

Straight Partners Anonymous was set up back in 2008, they have been running online since 2011 and operate from the UK.

SPA’s say on their webpage their that purpose is to bring together straight people whose relationship with their gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner is in crisis. The nature of the crisis can be variable; perhaps the LGBT partner has just come out, or perhaps they feel they are unable to come out of the closet. We exist to support and help each other, not to criticise gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. Our bywords are confidentiality, privacy, and respect.

If you are the LGBT partner in the relationship, please pass this web address below to your straight partner and encourage them to get in touch. We are here to support them. However, you may find our perspective useful, so please feel free to browse through the website.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/contact-us/

You have to remember your partner has to go through several stages once you "come out to them" you have more than likely had years and years to process how you identify and have been masking your feelings, till you can no longer cope with not being who you feel you really are? Your partner will have feelings of Denial and Shock, and then they will have masses of Anger and Resentment, with this comes questions like

How could my partner have done this to me?

Why didn’t he/she tell me this before we got together?

He/she really didn’t love me at all?

He/she is a coward and a fraud?

I don’t deserve this when I’ve tried hard to make him/her happy?

Doesn’t he/she care about our children and how this will affect their lives?

He/she obviously doesn’t respect me because he/she has cheated and lied...

The list goes on and on depending on the situation, and how long you have been in the partnership/marriage as you might have experienced or are expecting people will also feel a sense of Withdrawal and Depression, this is usually when your partner realises that nothing they can think say or do will change your orientation! For some people that means becoming a single parent and/or financial instability, whilst others will have lost confidence to trust their own judgement and fear that they’re unable to survive alone. 

At some point doesn't your partner will have to reach a point of Acceptance this is when they reach the conclusion and understand that your sexual orientation and the failure of your relationship aren’t, anybody's fault.

Now not every transgender person is interested in the opposite sex say they transition from male to female they may not want to be with men and feel no sexual attraction to males. They may still love females and be attracted to females just as cis lesbians do. 

Some may not come out to the world and just be happy expressing their feminine nature in the privacy of their own home. There are always ways to stay in a marriage if both parties still love each other and wish to make it work.

Teenagers tend to be well educated in Transgender issues and can have peers who have identified as a different gender, or who are experimenting with their gender identity and trying to Identify as he, her, they or them. This doesn't make them a bad person now does it? As a parent we all want the best for our children and for them to be level-headed and happy making the right decisions as they grow to become adults in this world, able to hold their own and be successful in that ever they decide to do in their lives.

If your child comes to you and starts talking about gender please sit with them, listen to them be there for them. Help and support them, help them explore their feelings. Remember common sense is not that common and children have to grow and develop their own common sense in life! Adults who set the rules give guidance and allow children to grow but remember they don't know everything,!  

I know of some people who have been left homeless just for saying they are Transgender, in my mind there is no reason for such action to make it so they have to sleep on the streets where it's totally unsafe for them adult or child. 

Finding yourself

Coming out as transgender is a long process.

 

I discovered this despite wanting a quick transition, let me explain further. 

I came out in 2014 to my family and they all accepted me, my daughter wasn't surprised and had guessed I was trans, so much for keeping it under the radar! 

I came out at work in 2015 and It was a planned coming out, (I was a Project manager at the time.) I didn't want to be the subject of department gossip around the water cooler. So I came out and all went well I worked with the HR department and the diversity team where I worked, I became the go to person for Trans issues and events. they would invite me to all sorts of events to show they were LGBTQ friendly and accepting company. At first I was pleased to be in the spot light but after a while I began to feel the company was using me and my transition. So I left the employer and took a more relaxing job with another company than employed me as a woman, the fanfare of having a trans member of staff in the past job was over, I enjoyed my newly found freedom. Then the world had Covid19, working from home and all that, little did we know the world was about to undergo massive social changes because of Covid19 and as I write this we are still having to have booster jabs for Covid in fall 2022.

All this working at home during lockdown in the uk I had time to reflect on my transition I asked my self several questions on transition. One has it gone to plan? Two was I happy  and Three would I change anything? Three big question I guess every trans person thinks at one time or another. 

So to answer as quickly as I can, yes it did go to plan and I would recommend anybody coming out to plan as much as you can so you can control the biggest event in your life as much as possible, okay I'm aware you can't ever control every aspect of a transition but having information to hand to educate people you work with is a must. to educate family on the in's and out's of being transgender is very important. A lot of people including family will not get the need to come out and you will get Dead named a lot of the time. you have to develop a thick skin to being Dead Named, I found people don't do it on purpose they forget especially if they are old or of a forgetful nature. 

Two, yes I am very happy but it did take a while to find the real me... You see I have hobbies that I stopped doing as I thought it wasn't girly enough so I stopped doing the things that brought me a lot of joy, one of these hobbies was motorcycles. During lockdown I decided to buy another motorcycle for transport and to get some fresh air from working at home. I was the best thing I could have done I got so much pleasure throwing my leg over the bike and just riding somewhere. I now have a couple of motorcycles mainly off road trials bikes, that I ride as and when I wish. I started looking for YouTube female riders and found several including itchy boots Girl on a bike and Saffy Sprocket. I quickly realised its acceptable to be a female and ride a motorcycle. I feel that being the real me is a very complex thing and being happy is a very important part of good mental health. You have to be happy in the skin your in.

Three, would I change anything, I guess yes I wouldn't stop doing things that make me happy as women do everything and the boundaries are only in your mind, yes you might get strange comments and looks from some people but I discovered I can deal with it, as I have the enjoyment being happy gives me. I think it's their problem if they don't like me or understand who I am. Being in a good place you have a special energy that builds you up and gives you the I can do this attitude.

So if you find yourself considering changing back to the old you (detransitioning) stop and ask yourself what's causing you to think that might be the solution to the situation as you probably were very unhappy pre transition so you are likely. to be in the same loop in a short while? being You doesn't have to have a label you can identify as who you feel best as, for me it's female. Lockdown had given me the chance to look at myself and reflect on my life and what is important.  During lockdown the NHS stopped all non essential surgeries and that included upper and lower surgery for a lot of people transitioning, the waiting lists is vey long and the NHS has been dropping people off the surgery lists. you have to jump through hoops once again. so its back to the gender clinics to be put back on surgeons lists for upper and lower surgery. 

So from Covid 19 I have learned a lot about myself and about people around me, people have lost friends and family in covid it has been a time to reflect on life and and the changes brought to us all with Covid19. 

You have to stay positive and accept things you can't change and embrace the life you have, there are losses along the way in every life that we have to overcome and come to terms with. so moving forward live the life you have and enjoy every second you have. The Pandemic has shown us how it can be taken away in a second.

(all copyright to the image used acknowledge sorry if any infringement )

So the Genie is out of the bottle time to Transition.

So you have now decided to transition and be the real you, not just a secret.

Well you have come to the right place for information on my transition, and how it might help you to transition. I went from male to female but the process is the same for female to male.

First I recommend two things one, buy a box file for paperwork, and two, start generating a timeline starting as young as you can remember feeling at odds in your body, for me I was five years old.

But for you it can be any time you realised it was all wrong and someone or something had made a massive mistake with your body.

(At this point I would like to say GOD doesn’t make mistakes you are how GOD intended you to be… so if your religious or your family are let’s get that out in the open now before I move on, I say this because my family are Christians and church going, I tend not to bother GOD as he appears quite busy with other goings on).  

So once you have a timeline keep adding to it, documenting what you’re doing and events that are important to your transition. You can thank me later…

At some stage of your transition you will have to change your name by legal deed-pol, (in the UK) there are free sites out there, just check that they are legally accepted as a lot are not. I went to a solicitor and got an official deed-pol, but that was my choice. 

You will need to carry out your name change on everything that holds your old name, from bank accounts to utility bills, council tax to store cards, passports and driving licences everything.

The sooner you do this, and keep a record and any evidence of it the better.

When you finally get your first appointment with the gender clinic, if you can prove you have lived in your chosen gender for a period of time, which should be able to do with your timeline document this in theory should reduce the time you spend waiting to get the Clinics okay for hormone treatment.

I was concerned with how I looked and I didn’t want to be outed as a male transitioning to female, so look at what people of your age group are wearing, and aim for something similar or a little understated, if you want to blend into society fairly hassle free. For goodness sake don't overdo things like make up or outlandish outfits. Just be yourself and confident, keep your head held high, going about your everyday business, if you look and feel confident in your chosen clothes and makeup you will not stand out like a sore thumb, you will be surprised as most people won't even notice you. Which means you’ve passed as your chosen gender which in my case Female.

Transitioning is quite a long process but assuming you have already reached the decision to transition let’s move on.

It’s best to visit your chosen General Practitioner GP/Doctor, and ask to be referred to a gender clinic, you can normally choose which one, but do bear in mind, you'll need to attend the Gender Identity Clinic a lot of times during your transition, but tell your GP which gender clinics you want to be under however, at present there isn't many to choose from in the UK. 

It’s wise to ask the doctor for a copy of the letter they send referring you to a GIC, (do you remember the box file I said get at the beginning, stick it in there) unfortunately all too often I hear that their GP/Dr 'forgot' to send the letter and they have lost 6 months waiting to hear back from the GIC and lists are horrendously long as it is.

So at some stage you will need to tell your Family, Employer, Work colleagues and Friends, be prepared as they might not react the way you wanted or expected either from Family or friends ect. Remember it’s taken you quite a while to get to this point… But explain everything to them, how you feel and why you are doing it.

With some luck your family will come round, but it may take some time for them to digest the news. Your employer will have a duty under the law to accept your news (Equalities Act 2010 if you’re in the UK) and deal with anything untoward from colleagues and co-workers. If you’re in a trades union they are also are very helpful and are fully LGBTQ compliant with current issues and the law etc. my Union was the GMB and were faultless in helping me, as was the companies Unison’s rep which was nice.

copy and paste these wiki links to learn more. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equality_Act_2010
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Recognition_Act_2004

Transgender Male to Female Breast Elargement Surgery

Breast enlargement surgery, also known as breast augmentation or a boob job is the cosmetic procedure to enlarge the size of the breasts with the use of implants.

The implants used to enlarge the breasts are either silicone or saline.

A 'boob job', this type of procedure is one of the most popular cosmetic surgery procedures for Transgender women in Manchester and throughout the UK.

When a Transgender woman opts for breast enlargement surgery, their main aim is usually to give themselves breasts that match that of a CIS woman, the aim is to improve your self confidence and overall looks.

This is achieved with enlarging the breasts, which gives breasts a fuller feel and can positively impact the mind and body.

Why Choose This Procedure?

Enlarging the breasts will add volume, making them look more round and larger.

Trangender women who are unhappy with their breasts development from cross sex hormones, whether because they are still flat, or have recently experienced change such as weight-loss, this procedure will give you the breasts you should have been born with, the procedure is identical as for a CIS woman.

You will need to have professional advice prior to surgery, where you will discuss the different procedures and different types of implants and techniques available  a professional consultants is able to advise on.

Although breast enlargement is a way for many transgender women to help their self esteem and boost their self confidence, however it is a decision that should not be taken lightly.

If you are considering implants, then it is important to research on-line and speak with a surgeon, who can provide you with professional advice on your needs, realistic goals and procedure options that are available for you and your body.

Discuss Your Needs With A Consultant

Many of the points to take in to consideration when looking for breast surgery include:

• Do you want silicone or saline implants?
• Do you want teardrop or round implants?
• What size implant do you have in mind?
• Will the implant be placed behind the chest wall muscle, or behind the breast tissue?

These are all important points that can be discussed with your cosmetic surgeon.

Your surgeon will also explain the advantages and risks of each of your choices and how it can affect your body Certain factors can determine what procedure you should opt for, such as body-shape, build and weight.

About The Procedure

Breast enlargement procedures are performed under general anaesthetic.

The procedure normally takes around 90 minutes to complete and your surgeon, depending on your procedure, may perform one of three incisions.

1. Under the breast 

2. Around the nipple

3. Near the arm-pit

Incision size depends on where about your chosen implant is being placed.

Once placed, the incision is stitched and the breasts are supported with a dressing and support bra.

If your surgeon recommends that the breasts will need draining of blood and fluids post surgery, small tubes are left inside the breasts for a couple of days. This is common and does not indicate surgery problems.

Recovery

After undergoing breast enlargement surgery, it is normal for a person to feel some discomfort. This can also include swelling, bruising and hardness of the breasts.

For transgender women that feel side effects, painkillers are advised to curb and control pain. It is normal to experience discomfort for up to a few weeks post surgery.

Stitches in the breasts are removed after 7-14 days and scars will continue to fade for the 12 months that follow.

Complications

As with all surgical procedures, there are some risks and complications that can occur.

With breast enlargement, there are a number of specific risks and side effects that you should be aware of before having breast surgery, including:

Infection
Infections are very rare in breast enlargement surgery, however, women can get an infection, which sometimes requires the implant to be removed and inserted at a later date.

Nerve Damage
Although loss of sensation around the nipple can occur on a temporary basis post surgery, there is a chance that some numbness can be permanent.

Rupture
An implant can rupture or leak because of injury - such as a blow to the breast, age or capsular contracture.

Capsular contracture
Internal scar tissue can form a capsule around the implant, which contracts it and causes it to change shape or feel hard. Although one of the more common complications, the chances of it happening are approximately 5%. In most cases, people will notice this complication within the first 24 months of surgery.

Displacement
Implants can sometimes displace inside the breast. Although moving implants is rare, if the displacement is large it will need to be corrected with surgery.

Necrosis
When cells or tissue die or fail to receive sufficient blood supply, it is known as necrosis. This can happen during the healing process and will require surgery to fix it.

Galactorrhoea
The spontaneous production of breast milk can happen after breast surgery. This complication is very rare but if it occurs can go away on its own. However, there has been cases where implant removal is required.

Haematoma
Sometimes a pool of clotted blood can collect in a cavity within the body, known as haematoma.

Seroma
Seroma is fluid that can develop in a cavity after surgery made up of blood plasma, which requires drainage.

How I wear high heels without hurting my feet. (Too much)

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Victory loves preparation...

  

Walking in high heels can be painful. Very painful. That is if you make some common mistakes. So here is how to wear high heels without hurting your feet

So if you want to wear high heels and walk in them like a supermodel, you have to do your homework first. It doesn’t happen like most things in life just because you put the heels on your feet. So you have to take your time to learn how to

First measure your feet and select the correct size that fits you properly feet grow and shrink a bit, so squeezing into a pair that just fits you on a cool day will be hell on a hot day as your feet react to the changes. If you are an odd size or your feet are different sizes, which most people are opt for the bigger one and use a gel insert. Also do not underestimate the importance of having proper width in your shoes men and woman’s feet are different shape so select your shoes with care.

It is really tempting to go straight for those sexy stiletto high heels. But can you handle them? I couldn’t so why not start with lower heights first so your feet can get used to it? Just because you’ve been a passenger on a plane it doesn’t automatically mean you can fly it does it, you need time and training first, it’s the same with high heels.

As you get older your joints become less flexible so are your joints flexible enough?  A quick and easy test a shoe sales person in my local store told me was with your high heels on, stand on your toes as high up as you can without support. The heels should lift up at least a half an inch from the floor, otherwise they are too high for you. It was a good tip that has served me well.

A lot of people make a very common mistake of wearing only one or two pairs of shoes for a few days straight. What really matters though is diversity in your footwear. Mix and match your shoes more often, try to wear different heel heights every day, have a couple types and styles for those days off from heels such as some sneakers or other lower shoes. The variety is important to keep your feet away from getting “fixed” to a certain shoe style which will make over a short period of time difficult to feel relaxed in anything else, young people have their favourite shoes that tend to be skater style trainers trying to get a young person to wear anything else is a struggle ask any parent!

I always avoid wearing my high heels on a bare foot. You need either a thin pair of socks or stockings on as it will lower the friction between foot and shoe and make it much more comfortable and will lower the pain.

Once you have a correctly fitting shoe that isn’t too tall for you, you need to learn to walk in them, learn to keep proper posture. This means head up, spine straight, belly in. Take shorter strides, put the heel on the ground first and then the ball of the foot. Take short breaks from time to time my father would always tell me Victory loves preparation and its true in wearing high heels.

To help you start on your first pair of high heels,  select a shoe with lower height heels, pick a pair with thick heels rather than stilettos as you will wobble like hell in them, also avoid thin sole’s on your first high heels your feet will thank you for it...

Transgender music to listen to.

Terrorvision is a band from the Bradford area of West Yorkshire in Great Britain.


Terrovision released this single in 1998, singing about Josephine, who they first knew as Joe. She was always a good friend (“when friends were hard to find”), and, thankfully, her transition was a non-issue. “So we talked all night/And I just can't pretend/Although I lost old Joe/I got a new girlfriend.”

Terrorvision - “Josephine”

Another artist is singer Alison Goldfrapp details the dream world young Annabel lives in, where she can only imagine being herself when she closes her eyes. “When you dream you only dream you’re Annabel/Sleep reminds you takes you there, oh Annabel,” Goldfrapp coos, ending with “Only a boy under that.” The 2013 music video offers a literal interpretation, including a young trans girl blissfully twirling in pearls and a sequin dress.

Bad Suns - “Salt”

The pop-punk band’s 2014 single “Salt” was inspired by a friend of theirs who was struggling with their gender identity. “Stuck inside of the wrong frame/I don't feel attached to this name,” frontman Christo Bowman sings. “My body, I must reclaim/With different eyes and no shame.” The music video, a gorgeously choreographed but dark component from director Daniel Campos, starred dancer Tamara Levinson as she dealt with the traumas of depression, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault before ultimately deciding to have gender reassignment surgery.

Jillette Johnson - “Cameron"

Another song about a young gender-non-conforming person who isn’t accepted by their family or society, “Cameron” is one of Jillette Johnson’s most beloved songs -- which might be because it’s directly inspired by a real life Cameron she knew and loved. The soulful singer repeats, over and over, that Cameron isn’t the alien the world thinks they are -- “Cameron, you're a star/A light where there is dark/And you're a hundred times a woman/A hundred times the man that they are.”

Transgender Depression

Being out as a Transgender person is not an easy decision to make we all know that don't we some have a very difficult time others just appear to cope or do they? 

As a transgender person we face prejudice, insults and hate crime nearly every time we open the front door and venture out into the world around us. It's not surprising so many Transgender people are seen to suffer depression and mental health issues, if the general public had to live under the daily stress we have to function under they would suffer similar feelings 

Also not everyone is able or wants to transition…

This is a perfectly valid choice for people to make.  However these individuals must learn to cope with the tension that the gender dysphoria produces.  Sometimes this can be helped by having times when one can cross-dress, interact with others who are aware of one’s status, talk about the issue, and take low-levels of hormones (that don’t effect the body outwardly).

Other mental health issues not related to being transgender. Just because someone is transgender doesn’t mean they don’t have other issues in their lives.  It can be hard for some people to let themselves seek treatment for other issues when the gender dysphoria is so prominent a concern.

After two plus years of being finally me, I succumbed to the dreaded depression I had read so much about, my mental health was at a all time low. I became basically house bound and actively avoided going out with my partner (wife) to the shops or out socialising, so I knew I needed some medical help.

My normal gender friendly doctor at my surgery has left to practice overseas in Australia so there's no chance in moving surgery or country come to think of it, so I just booked in with the first available doctor at the surgery, by good luck or fate the doctor is Trans aware, and has other patients who are transgender. She immediately checked my past blood tests and just spoke to me on how I was feeling, which was the opening for me to discuss how I was feeling and what state I felt I was in. She listened and researched possible medication suitable for me.

The Doctor explained how long the medication would take to start to make a difference to my mood and feelings and she was spot on. Two months on I'm feeling much better and I have started to live again and regularly go out and about shopping and enjoying my time. I have recently been for interviews for different jobs and facing the world, after my old employer decided to close the place I worked at and concentrate on their main site. Sometimes you need that kick in the pants to refocus and start doing something different, it is that time for me.

Mental health is no secret and should be talked about openly, we all have periods in out lives that come under the mental health banner there is no shame in asking for medical help. In just a short period of time you can go from a depressed state to your old self, enjoying life and all it has to offer.

So if your reading this and feel depressed about your gender then please seek help and advice.

In the UK you can contact any of the links below to talk to someone.

Click here for Transgender support-organisations and here gender-identity-support-UK

There is also uktransinfo on facebook
www.facebook.com/groups/uktransinfo  
Email: info@uktrans.info

General support

Samaritans

Call 116 123 

Email jo@samaritans.org

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) - for men

Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day 

Visit the webchat page

Papyrus – for people under 35 

Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm 

Text 07786 209697 

Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

laser hair removal update.

The laser hair removal was... well lacking would be the best word, it retarded the hair growth of the dark hairs but it failed to kill all of them off. So here I am looking in the mirror seeing the same old stubble every morning it's so unfair, but that's life.


My next move is to go for electrolysis which by all accounts hurts like heck and costs a bucket load of cash, The NHS England's list of approved electrolysis technicians and salons appears to sparse on the ground in my area, plenty in the larger cities and even some large towns but for me I will have to travel to get beard removal by this method.


My understanding of the process is an electric current is applied using a very fine needle-shaped electrode or metal probe into each hair follicle with the mission to destroy the hair's root.

It all sounds easily enough but hair grows in different stages: growing, resting and shedding. Because all of the hair isn't on the same stage at any given time, multiple sessions are needed to get to the hair removed stage. So in theory each 1" of skin area may or may not need 3 treatments to give you a smooth as a baby's bottom face. now to me that's expensive on the pocket and second sound like a lot of pain spread over quite a while. (If anybody reading this has gone through this treatment please leave me a comment in the section below and let me know how it is going or how good it is at removing face hair.)

Well I have now been to a specialist electrolysis hair removing clinic, and I can confirm it was painful without the anaesthetic cream, so when I book in to have the treatment I will have applied the anaesthetic cream in advance. I'm currently waiting for a NHS England white paper looking at the time that is currently funded by the NHS for electrolysis treatment before I commit to starting the beard removal as in the past is not applied to past persons, so you can lose out on the newer number of treatments the NHS will fund.

I remember reading about a transfemale saying to get the beard stubble started first and after living in role for over 2 years, I can now see what she was getting at. So I recommend anyone reading this blog, to look at beard removal early on as razor burn on your neck is a dead give away every day.

As soon as I start electrolysis treatment I will post updates to this page.