I'm not LGBTQ where do I go for help and support?

 I'm not LGBTQ where do I go for help and support?

The answer is Straight Partners Anonymous (SPA) they are a support organisation for straight (Heterosexual) people who discover or who are told that their partner is identifying as Lesbian Gay Bisexual or Transgender (LGBT) and need help in coming to terms with this discovery and support in their decision about what to do next.

Straight Partners Anonymous was set up back in 2008, they have been running online since 2011 and operate from the UK.

SPA’s say on their webpage their that purpose is to bring together straight people whose relationship with their gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner is in crisis. The nature of the crisis can be variable; perhaps the LGBT partner has just come out, or perhaps they feel they are unable to come out of the closet. We exist to support and help each other, not to criticise gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender people. Our bywords are confidentiality, privacy, and respect.

If you are the LGBT partner in the relationship, please pass this web address below to your straight partner and encourage them to get in touch. We are here to support them. However, you may find our perspective useful, so please feel free to browse through the website.

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/contact-us/

You have to remember your partner has to go through several stages once you "come out to them" you have more than likely had years and years to process how you identify and have been masking your feelings, till you can no longer cope with not being who you feel you really are? Your partner will have feelings of Denial and Shock, and then they will have masses of Anger and Resentment, with this comes questions like

How could my partner have done this to me?

Why didn’t he/she tell me this before we got together?

He/she really didn’t love me at all?

He/she is a coward and a fraud?

I don’t deserve this when I’ve tried hard to make him/her happy?

Doesn’t he/she care about our children and how this will affect their lives?

He/she obviously doesn’t respect me because he/she has cheated and lied...

The list goes on and on depending on the situation, and how long you have been in the partnership/marriage as you might have experienced or are expecting people will also feel a sense of Withdrawal and Depression, this is usually when your partner realises that nothing they can think say or do will change your orientation! For some people that means becoming a single parent and/or financial instability, whilst others will have lost confidence to trust their own judgement and fear that they’re unable to survive alone. 

At some point doesn't your partner will have to reach a point of Acceptance this is when they reach the conclusion and understand that your sexual orientation and the failure of your relationship aren’t, anybody's fault.

Now not every transgender person is interested in the opposite sex say they transition from male to female they may not want to be with men and feel no sexual attraction to males. They may still love females and be attracted to females just as cis lesbians do. 

Some may not come out to the world and just be happy expressing their feminine nature in the privacy of their own home. There are always ways to stay in a marriage if both parties still love each other and wish to make it work.

Teenagers tend to be well educated in Transgender issues and can have peers who have identified as a different gender, or who are experimenting with their gender identity and trying to Identify as he, her, they or them. This doesn't make them a bad person now does it? As a parent we all want the best for our children and for them to be level-headed and happy making the right decisions as they grow to become adults in this world, able to hold their own and be successful in that ever they decide to do in their lives.

If your child comes to you and starts talking about gender please sit with them, listen to them be there for them. Help and support them, help them explore their feelings. Remember common sense is not that common and children have to grow and develop their own common sense in life! Adults who set the rules give guidance and allow children to grow but remember they don't know everything,!  

I know of some people who have been left homeless just for saying they are Transgender, in my mind there is no reason for such action to make it so they have to sleep on the streets where it's totally unsafe for them adult or child. 

Finding yourself

Coming out as transgender is a long process.

 

I discovered this despite wanting a quick transition, let me explain further. 

I came out in 2014 to my family and they all accepted me, my daughter wasn't surprised and had guessed I was trans, so much for keeping it under the radar! 

I came out at work in 2015 and It was a planned coming out, (I was a Project manager at the time.) I didn't want to be the subject of department gossip around the water cooler. So I came out and all went well I worked with the HR department and the diversity team where I worked, I became the go to person for Trans issues and events. they would invite me to all sorts of events to show they were LGBTQ friendly and accepting company. At first I was pleased to be in the spot light but after a while I began to feel the company was using me and my transition. So I left the employer and took a more relaxing job with another company than employed me as a woman, the fanfare of having a trans member of staff in the past job was over, I enjoyed my newly found freedom. Then the world had Covid19, working from home and all that, little did we know the world was about to undergo massive social changes because of Covid19 and as I write this we are still having to have booster jabs for Covid in fall 2022.

All this working at home during lockdown in the uk I had time to reflect on my transition I asked my self several questions on transition. One has it gone to plan? Two was I happy  and Three would I change anything? Three big question I guess every trans person thinks at one time or another. 

So to answer as quickly as I can, yes it did go to plan and I would recommend anybody coming out to plan as much as you can so you can control the biggest event in your life as much as possible, okay I'm aware you can't ever control every aspect of a transition but having information to hand to educate people you work with is a must. to educate family on the in's and out's of being transgender is very important. A lot of people including family will not get the need to come out and you will get Dead named a lot of the time. you have to develop a thick skin to being Dead Named, I found people don't do it on purpose they forget especially if they are old or of a forgetful nature. 

Two, yes I am very happy but it did take a while to find the real me... You see I have hobbies that I stopped doing as I thought it wasn't girly enough so I stopped doing the things that brought me a lot of joy, one of these hobbies was motorcycles. During lockdown I decided to buy another motorcycle for transport and to get some fresh air from working at home. I was the best thing I could have done I got so much pleasure throwing my leg over the bike and just riding somewhere. I now have a couple of motorcycles mainly off road trials bikes, that I ride as and when I wish. I started looking for YouTube female riders and found several including itchy boots Girl on a bike and Saffy Sprocket. I quickly realised its acceptable to be a female and ride a motorcycle. I feel that being the real me is a very complex thing and being happy is a very important part of good mental health. You have to be happy in the skin your in.

Three, would I change anything, I guess yes I wouldn't stop doing things that make me happy as women do everything and the boundaries are only in your mind, yes you might get strange comments and looks from some people but I discovered I can deal with it, as I have the enjoyment being happy gives me. I think it's their problem if they don't like me or understand who I am. Being in a good place you have a special energy that builds you up and gives you the I can do this attitude.

So if you find yourself considering changing back to the old you (detransitioning) stop and ask yourself what's causing you to think that might be the solution to the situation as you probably were very unhappy pre transition so you are likely. to be in the same loop in a short while? being You doesn't have to have a label you can identify as who you feel best as, for me it's female. Lockdown had given me the chance to look at myself and reflect on my life and what is important.  During lockdown the NHS stopped all non essential surgeries and that included upper and lower surgery for a lot of people transitioning, the waiting lists is vey long and the NHS has been dropping people off the surgery lists. you have to jump through hoops once again. so its back to the gender clinics to be put back on surgeons lists for upper and lower surgery. 

So from Covid 19 I have learned a lot about myself and about people around me, people have lost friends and family in covid it has been a time to reflect on life and and the changes brought to us all with Covid19. 

You have to stay positive and accept things you can't change and embrace the life you have, there are losses along the way in every life that we have to overcome and come to terms with. so moving forward live the life you have and enjoy every second you have. The Pandemic has shown us how it can be taken away in a second.

(all copyright to the image used acknowledge sorry if any infringement )

‘The volume has been turned up on everything at the moment’: The pandemic has placed alarming pressure on transgender mental health across the world.

Covid19 has been a blow to everyone, it has been a difficult period for LGBTQ people all over the world. If you have lost a loved one you are in my prayers.  

I found it difficult being in lockdown for months shielding from the virus hoping a vaccine is made that will work. More and more its looking like covid19 is like a game of “whack a mole” every time we think we have it under control a new strain pops up and we struggle to control it again back down to acceptable levels of infection within the general population. (This is known as the R number) what is this got to do with being transgender you say?

Well, a lot of LGBTQ people are stuck inside with abusive and hateful members of their family who can’t accept a son/daughter of theirs or a brother/sister is transgender, and you can’t go out and just talk like we could do before the lockdowns and shielding, so mental health issues are a problem for all during a pandemic, but the LGBTQ community is especially hard hit. Not being able to express your gender and passing a mirror in the house hating to see your body’s reflection as it’s the wrong body you see. Also just about all non-essential surgeries have been put on hold due to the strain Covid19 has placed on hospitals, this is causing untold damage to people waiting for upper or lower surgeries, this damage to their mental health needs to be considered and consideration be shown to the Transgender community when these surgeries restart start up again, perhaps the gatekeepers of the transgender clinics will understanding for once.
To the trans community stay strong, talk online chat on what’s app, post to twitter anyway you chose to communicate to others, just make sure you are not bottling it up for the sake of your mental health. If you cand dress full in the gender wear items under your “everyday clothes” if you can, we will soon be through this pandemic and the world will once again be open for business, you will get the chance to express yourself, just hang in there. 

Let me tell you about my friend "Amy" I’m sure she will not mind.

My friend who I will call Amy (this is not her real name but to keep her privacy safe, we will know her as Amy.) 

Amy is transitioning in a large city in Canada, she is having a difficult time with her family understanding Transgender and accepting her, as she wishes to be a female and not a male. The family are religious God-fearing members of their community. It’s a large family with Aunt’s & Uncles and lots of Cousins who all keep close to each other by the sounds of things. 

They have said vile things to Amy and excluded her from family events and gatherings and she is not allowed to be who she really is, they appear to be happy she isn't happy! 

Which is very sad as Amy, has in the past suffered a terrific accident and was clinically dead several times from the trauma her body had undergone in an accident. The accident happened in Europe and her family were in Canada and in Poland. Amy, recovered but during the periods of near death she had what can only be described as visions and in these visions, she realised she is in the incorrect gender, and is not in fact Male but Female. 

These feelings have grown stronger and stronger till she reached out to the internet to enquire more about the feelings and how normal it is to feel like this, by chance I saw a posting from her newly created account in her chosen name, and I decided to make contact for once instead of doing nothing, I felt I had something to give in the way of knowledge and experience of transitioning and if nothing else just a shoulder to cry on. To be able to help and be there for her at difficult times has been a wonderful experience, as helping and giving an honest opinion on things has, I hope been of use to her.

 My transition wasn’t easy so let’s be honest nobody’s is really easy, we all have parents, partners, brothers, sisters and so on all are affected by a decision to transition from one gender to another. 

Their standings in the family change the eldest daughter is overnight now the eldest son or the bouncing baby boy you had as a brother, is now a girl and is now your sister. or you now have two Dad’s or Two Mum’s I’m sure you get what I’m alluding to here.

It’s difficult, but if the love was there, it should be there once you transition, if it disappears when you come out was it really there? (thats something to think about)

True love is all encompassing, I would defend my children and wife (yes we are still together and madly in love) with my life in a blink of an eye. Yes, they do wrong at times, they can be a idiot and make stupid mistakes, I might not like them at that moment in time for a second or two, but I have never stopped loving them, so I find my friends situation a puzzle. 

She loves her family, but they have a very strange way of showing the same to her since she expressed a wish to live as a female. Amy is a private person who doesn’t want her identity known or for it to get out into the public domain, and I respect that 100%. We all must make a living doing something and if being exposed as transgender before you officially come out, is going to ruin a family business or a corporation’s image then its right to control the situation you’re in. As others will loose as well as yourself you may have to let loyal staff go due to a turn down in trade or companies not trading with you any longer because of it. We all know the press loves a good story and think nothing of running a story whether it’s damaging or not to the person their family or their business.

I hope with the threat of covid19 and so many unfortunate people having their lives cut short by the virus, her family realise she is here alive, well and they are lucky to have such a daughter in their lives. I hope and pray everything works out for her and she gets the rest of her life to be happy and living life to the fullest as her true self.

Amy my little sister, you know I'm still here when you need someone to talk to, ask questions of and seek some advice, we maybe miles apart but seconds away on a keyboard.

 I decided to put up the Families clans tartan as an image of family and family values.

Photo from 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2020/08/18/coronavirus-transgender/?arc404=true

Photo of Brenda Emery who hoped that after undergoing surgery, she would be comfortable in her body as a transgender woman. Then, the coronavirus pandemic caused cancellation of elective surgeries. (Bill O'Leary/The Washington Post)

Covid19 and Transgender

 Well the world changed in 2020 with covid19 spreading around the world, thousands have died to date, we have several vaccines coming into the fight against the virus, at the time of writing. The long term effects of these vaccines is still unknown. Or what protection a person have once they have had one of the vaccines, I personally think a cure will be difficult and as the virus mutates I suspect it will be difficult to actually nail it. I am pro vaccine so I’m going to be in the queue for which ever I’m offered in the hope it will give some protection.  

Being in lockdown and being transgender has given rise to increased mental health problems for many as it’s been for many LGBTQ 🏳️‍⚧️ people struggling with their feelings and how families are reacting to news of them coming out, whilst under a lockdown, my heart goes out to people in that position. 

All of my gender clinic appointments are on line via MS Teams or similar. It’s difficult to feel the same as an actual person to person appointment at the clinic, I only hope the clinics are able to see more people in this new format.  Seeing my normal doctor at the local GP surgery is reduced bro just a telephone call which I find frustrating to say the least, at least with a video meeting they can see you and make a better informed diagnosis, I have been able to see a nurse for my flu injection and my male hormone blocker injections, I attend the local hospital for any blood tests. These are difficult times to begin transitioning or coming out to family or work colleagues as people are shielding or just working from home and may not fully understand the person’s situation or fears of rejection. Plus we have had a horrendous amount of people who have lost family and friends from the covid19 virus, and can’t understand or take in the information of someone transitioning, we all need to understand what’s currently happening and show respect. There have been a massive rise in the lgbtq community seeking help from various charities and support associations, so if you are struggling please reach out to these support associations like the Samaritans in the UK. https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/

Please seek help if you feel trapped and lost all hope, there’s no shame in reaching out. Things change in people’s lives all the time and we all need help at some point in our lives, so do the right thing and ask for help.