Finding yourself

Coming out as transgender is a long process.

 

I discovered this despite wanting a quick transition, let me explain further. 

I came out in 2014 to my family and they all accepted me, my daughter wasn't surprised and had guessed I was trans, so much for keeping it under the radar! 

I came out at work in 2015 and It was a planned coming out, (I was a Project manager at the time.) I didn't want to be the subject of department gossip around the water cooler. So I came out and all went well I worked with the HR department and the diversity team where I worked, I became the go to person for Trans issues and events. they would invite me to all sorts of events to show they were LGBTQ friendly and accepting company. At first I was pleased to be in the spot light but after a while I began to feel the company was using me and my transition. So I left the employer and took a more relaxing job with another company than employed me as a woman, the fanfare of having a trans member of staff in the past job was over, I enjoyed my newly found freedom. Then the world had Covid19, working from home and all that, little did we know the world was about to undergo massive social changes because of Covid19 and as I write this we are still having to have booster jabs for Covid in fall 2022.

All this working at home during lockdown in the uk I had time to reflect on my transition I asked my self several questions on transition. One has it gone to plan? Two was I happy  and Three would I change anything? Three big question I guess every trans person thinks at one time or another. 

So to answer as quickly as I can, yes it did go to plan and I would recommend anybody coming out to plan as much as you can so you can control the biggest event in your life as much as possible, okay I'm aware you can't ever control every aspect of a transition but having information to hand to educate people you work with is a must. to educate family on the in's and out's of being transgender is very important. A lot of people including family will not get the need to come out and you will get Dead named a lot of the time. you have to develop a thick skin to being Dead Named, I found people don't do it on purpose they forget especially if they are old or of a forgetful nature. 

Two, yes I am very happy but it did take a while to find the real me... You see I have hobbies that I stopped doing as I thought it wasn't girly enough so I stopped doing the things that brought me a lot of joy, one of these hobbies was motorcycles. During lockdown I decided to buy another motorcycle for transport and to get some fresh air from working at home. I was the best thing I could have done I got so much pleasure throwing my leg over the bike and just riding somewhere. I now have a couple of motorcycles mainly off road trials bikes, that I ride as and when I wish. I started looking for YouTube female riders and found several including itchy boots Girl on a bike and Saffy Sprocket. I quickly realised its acceptable to be a female and ride a motorcycle. I feel that being the real me is a very complex thing and being happy is a very important part of good mental health. You have to be happy in the skin your in.

Three, would I change anything, I guess yes I wouldn't stop doing things that make me happy as women do everything and the boundaries are only in your mind, yes you might get strange comments and looks from some people but I discovered I can deal with it, as I have the enjoyment being happy gives me. I think it's their problem if they don't like me or understand who I am. Being in a good place you have a special energy that builds you up and gives you the I can do this attitude.

So if you find yourself considering changing back to the old you (detransitioning) stop and ask yourself what's causing you to think that might be the solution to the situation as you probably were very unhappy pre transition so you are likely. to be in the same loop in a short while? being You doesn't have to have a label you can identify as who you feel best as, for me it's female. Lockdown had given me the chance to look at myself and reflect on my life and what is important.  During lockdown the NHS stopped all non essential surgeries and that included upper and lower surgery for a lot of people transitioning, the waiting lists is vey long and the NHS has been dropping people off the surgery lists. you have to jump through hoops once again. so its back to the gender clinics to be put back on surgeons lists for upper and lower surgery. 

So from Covid 19 I have learned a lot about myself and about people around me, people have lost friends and family in covid it has been a time to reflect on life and and the changes brought to us all with Covid19. 

You have to stay positive and accept things you can't change and embrace the life you have, there are losses along the way in every life that we have to overcome and come to terms with. so moving forward live the life you have and enjoy every second you have. The Pandemic has shown us how it can be taken away in a second.

(all copyright to the image used acknowledge sorry if any infringement )

“Everybody is so different, but I haven’t changed”

 

I have just been filling in a questionnaire on LGBT stuff and "coming out" and I sat and thought about how I feel about being Transgender male to female... I came to the conclusion I have not changed but everybody else has. I know it’s a strange contradiction to make considering my recent coming out news, but I have always been Nicola despite being known by a male name and forced to do male things.

Inside I was female and loved doing girly things but society had me hide away, now I have taken the brave step of telling just about everybody and their dog that I'm really a female and have been since well forever and a day.

That made me look inward and think about myself, I feel everybody is so different but I haven't changed... I'm still me Nicola the change for me is everybody else now knows I'm a female trapped in a male body and treats me well err different. Which is very great please don't get me wrong, but different to me as with the news they have to change, I'm still ticking along. I guess it’s a coping mechanism of some kind?

If people can’t cope with the news and behave badly towards me, well I simply don't need them in my life, it’s like a switch being thrown. If on the other hand they offer me, some emotional support and friendship well welcome on board the Nicola express.

 

Being rid of the pressure of having to conform to male stereotyping plus taking the female hormones daily I feel released of lots of things that were binding me. I know I said I haven't changed well I have lots and lots but for me it's so far all for the better. With my hair all done and make up, I look years younger my clothes actually fit rather than hang on my body. My weight has dropped (3.5 stone at the last count), the lines on my face "worry lines" all gone I smile much more when I walk its now with my head up.

At night, I sleep better and awake each morning with a happy smile, so changes yes they continue to happen, my wife Julie told me my male "sent" has now faded, my body is using the hormones correctly and adjusting my body to that of a female. I think my wife is worried I will no longer want to service or fix the car or the lawn mower etc. when they need it.




I'm sure she thinks she will have to take on some of the roles seen as male in or relationship but that will not be the case, I’m happy to function as before but perhaps in a cute pair of jeggings and a nice top… I still have the DIY skills I had, I still have the same hobbies and interests and love of technology, as I have not changed as I said before. If you are a happily married in a heterosexual marriage, you do not stop loving the person you are married to just because you swapped a pair boxers for some cute fitting undies. Being trans-female is not a curse it’s not an issue unless you make it one.

Being a couple in love and seeing the person you love for who they are, is far more important than applying labels to people.  I didn’t have much, if any option not to transition as I had reached the end of a long journey trying to be who I wasn’t. I was told by medical specialists in the GIC I attend, that Pandora’s box had exploded with such force it was never going to be possible to put a lid on everything, tucking it all back in and think nothing has happened. As I keep pointing out in the blog pages it’s not a choice but biological pre-birth issue, all I could ever do is deal with it in the best possible way available to me and others like me. To say I have struggled every day and every second of every day is a underestimate in my mind as its taken me to the point of self-destruction and now I’m getting the correct help so I can live and function as I should have since birth. I’m thankful to everybody around me, family friends and everybody at work who has come out and supported me on the journey, I can never thank you all enough for your support understanding and help. However, I can say thanks you for changing your view of me and thank you for changing how you have accepted me as a person who is transgender and becoming a woman I should have always been.

What did it feel like before comming out as Female...

I have been asked by a few people what it like to be a woman trapped in a male body for so long. Therefore, I thought I had best blog it...
 
Well I had sufficient coping mechanisms and distractions to enable me to struggle on for so long. Developing ME certainly is one of them for sure, as it wipes your life clear of just about everything you can think of and leaves you in a total mess. To have to recover from the ruins of your life and start all over again is great for developing inner strength and goal setting abilities, you tend to reach a point when you are about as low as a person can be and still be alive.
I functioned within a 4 hour window at the most the rest of my life was spent asleep, it’s not a refreshing sleep and you awaken as exhausted as before you slept. I still suffer like that 20 years after developing ME, but I can just about cope but only just and I crash out at the slightest changes to my life or my health. I feel like I am forever dangling in a thin wire from a great height, just about everything affects me. Nevertheless, after many failures, setbacks, and relapses I have finally managed to function in some manner that is seen by most around me as being close to a normal life.
Well normal for about 7 hours a day after which I have to withdraw and have total rest. So I have coped with being transgender and being trapped in the wrong body as I just had to cope due to very serious health issues happening to me. Being strong willed, and determined to cope in the wrong body until I died was the goal.

However Pandora’s box was opened when trying to deal with a bout of depression that had a hold of me, I had been trying to stick to the promise I made myself many years ago, to not come out as the effect of such news could totally destroy the life I had struggled to build up and maintain. I saw a psychologist who was helping me he simply explained to me that a pan on a stove without a lid boils away, however the same pan with a lid boils over, contents spill out and you cannot put it all back in the pan. That was the situation I found myself in, I had to confront my transgenderism there is no magic pill to stay the way I had been as suicide in these cases is too common and the medical profession know of a 99% cure. Transition from male to female so you find me sitting here trying to put a handle on 50 years oppression and guilt, sadness and loss. I made the decision in all of this and I thought I was able to control it all but nature wins every time.

 

If the world see's you as they expect the world doesn't then ask too many questions (so long as you conform to what the world expects and demands of you)...

It is sad but that is how I have coped, expressing what people expect of me, you can slide by unrecognised and unhurt by their reactions to you. You have to be whoever the mask you are wearing portrays you as, getting dressed and going out into the world every day is like a performance in a long running soap drama that is your life. You learn to act for 24/7 and become  your own life long Truman show.Its not fair but we all know life is not fair at times.

Nobody knew as I grew up I was like this, and if they feel I have cheated and lied about who I am, they first need to look inside of themselves at all the things they do and don't make public. Because everybody lives in a glasshouse and as such should not throw stones. If anybody feels betrayed cheated or lied to… I'm truly sorry you feel like that, as it was never my intension to do that to you or for you to feel that way about me. But for me to survive I personally had to hide who I was, my physical body and brain don't match, and you know or can guess the world was not ready for that in the 1960's. I do not ask for pity just understanding on what I have lived with and what I am finally able to do about it.

 To feel safe living behind masks and a psychological wall is not great either, but to have survived until now is. I can finally be who I should have been and it would really help me cope with appearing from behind my psychological wall and masks if you would please help me, help me to be the kind of person you knew I was deep down.

You see I haven't really changed I'm still me I still like the same things I did, I still laugh at the same stuff and like the same everything I did before, what has changed is you now know I should have been a physically female from birth, and my appearance is changing to reflect the new me. I'm so much happier brighter and more fun to be around, as I do not need to hide who I am any longer I am now me.



'how long is a piece of string'

Intrinsically a piece of string has length but that length is unknown hence the phrase 'how long is a piece of string' means that the quantitative answer is not known and there is an implicate understanding that the answer will be difficult to find given the information available.

OK now I have the definition out of the way, of the well know saying...

Someone at work asked me how long will it be till I'm done transitioning?

My first thought was in about two years time and after lower surgery... then I thought about the answer and realised as a woman I will always be changing and adapting to life, just as a male has to, you never really finish finding out who you are and what you're about until your at the end of the journey we call life.

Hence my title "how long is a piece of string. From seeking help from the doctors well over a year ago up until now, I have taken on and adapted more than any time in my life up until that point. So my own transgender journey of being trapped in the wrong body is not over and will perhaps it will never be over, as a person changes they can never erase the past, they have to carry that past life with them through their life it makes us who we are.

I have always known deep inside who I am, even though I was not in a position to express it, or in position from which I was able to transition from male to female until recently that is. I also knew my time would come and not to break what is around me, perhaps swapping happiness for sadness in the process.

My father would tell me on many occasions "not to jump out of a frying pan and into the fire", about many situations I found myself in growing up. To consider what the pay off would be, if you make a choice/change which was and is still sound advice for sure. So I have waited and waited until I felt I could no longer cope, until jumping from the proverbial frying pan. As I had waited so long the proverbial fire had died down, and I wasn't burned by the experience, in fact I was liberated and rewarded for my patience.

My transitioning to date has been positive and fantastic, my family are on board and at work the changes are accepted and covered by acts in law, I find people are generally more informed about transgender than they were 40 years ago thank goodness, the ignorance has mostly gone from being transgender in the UK, the UK news papers cover the topic in a better way than they did years ago. Children who are seen to be transgender are accepted in society by most people and there are TV documentaries and reality TV shows about transgender people. I do say mostly as there is still a long way to go to be seen equal to others in the LGBT arena. But a increase in public understanding has happened, and perhaps 2015 will be seen as the turning point we had a couple of celebrities transitioning to the opposite sex (than they were born) which raised awareness and information about them published in the tabloid papers, all helps people to read and understand more about being transgender.
I find ladies accept the news far better than males around me, who tend to shuffle about a lot and not know how to greet me or how they should refer to me, or even what to say. Which is strange to say the least, as my sexual orientation has not changed and my interests are the same as before, I just have better hair and make up and pretty clothes compared to before.

So when will I be finished transitioning the answer is as long as a piece of string I'm afraid.

Hormones its all happening

I finally got my hormones from the clinic... excited and a tad worried at the same time I guess.
Hoping I see results of some kind that is noticeable, now I have the correct hormones rather than internet purchased items from unknown sources. I plan on taking photos of my development month by month until lower surgery, it should be fun.
I said worried in the line above and I am just a bit worried that they may not give me the chest I would like or the soft skin and body hair changes I long for, but I know the clinic will do all they can for me.

I have had my hair weaves done and the have made such a difference to my confidence and general well being, they are well worth the money and pain oh yes pain you have a degree of initial pain, but its OK. Also recently done are my gel nail extensions they make a big difference to your appearance and well worth getting.

I have an appointment at the local hospitals Ear nose and throat clinic for voice work, which is great news, I have a long story about my voice. when I was about 7 years old my voice was very girly and female so my parents took me to a hospital clinic (ENT) where they forced to talk in a deeper male sounding voice I was encouraged to place my hand on my chest and feeling for vibration when I spoke so I knew it was sounding deeper. This voice work ended up putting me in another hospital for issues with my throat, and bleeding from the throat area, I guess you can join up all of the dots now as to me being born transgender and identifying from about 5 years old, but in the 1960's it wasn't understood or even looked at, then you find yourself 50 years later facing major issues not of your own making.

The clinic are 100% sure I have gender dystopia and have been seen and issued with cross sex hormones within 2 months of my 1st assessment ( I have had a total of 3 clinic assessments and several pre clinic assessments at different hospitals over the past 12 months or so) they were quite amazed I managed to get to my age of 54 with out a major meltdown of some kind as it was that evident to them I was a transgender person one said to my partner I was a sever case, so I'm very happy in the NHS England and the service the have so far offered me. https://www.england.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/int-gend-proto.pdf

Happy... I have never been so happy to be alive,
I smile all the time and I'm really enjoying life for once.
My work place has been very good and the people just great, loads of support and help I didn't expect any of it, but like any lady I love it so thanks to everybody at my work for everything.

 

Update on the hormones thing...

Well..
Everything seems to be just "better" than it was before, each day seems "brighter" than it was before. Not by huge amounts just enough to be noticeable. I'm starting to feel like the real me for once.

From my research I don't expect much to start to happen till about a month on hormones, but I was wrong, one week on the pills I have noticed a small noticeable change in me. I do expect a decrease in my sex drive, at about 3 weeks on female hormones as a lot of people have commented on this on various websites, I have also been told breast development may start with tender nipples etc.

But everybody is different so it's a case of we will have to wait and see what happens, but initial feelings from week one are I feel better, so much better the hormones must be working on the brain first and your mood/feelings before adjusting the body, I guess you don't build a house without sound foundations do you. More update's to follow.

 

 

Laser hair removal...

Hi Just a quick update.

Yesterday I went to have a consultation at the skin clinic regarding my beard growth and not wanting or needing it as a woman. The place is a private clinic and it was spotless and very friendly and welcoming to me, they used all the correct pronouns and treated me with great respect which was brilliant. the lady who conducted the skin test was called Kayleigh and she was the top person in the clinic for laser hair removal, it showed as she was fantastic and has worked with transgender people in the companies other clinic's in Manchester, Liverpool and Mayfair London, so I felt right at ease lying on the couch in the laser room.



Having a salt and pepper beard I was sure it would work on my beard growth... but it did the tests were very good and Kayleigh told me I have a very high chance or killing off the beard in six sessions. As the laser need hair pigment only the dark hair will be blasted so there will still be additional work needed to clear my whole face, the Gender Clinic advised me to try laser as the newer machines have given others very good results and its reasonably pain free but uncomfortable yes, or that what the hospital consultant told me! It was a bit of a stinging sensation or like being snapped by an elastic band  for just one moment so not bad, but that was just the testing I have booked in for next week to have the whole face done so my update may tell a different tale to this...

OK the face is under way on the 14th and on the 15th I'm getting my hair extensions sewn in it will take 4 to 5 hours of braiding and sewing in the extensions but the results I'm told are nothing but fanatic however there is quite a lot of pain involved and a few sleepless night to overcome, I have been warned no gain with out pain, still it will be great to have a fantastic hair style and look better than I do, Sarah who runs the salon is going to be about helping the lady get the hair how I want it so two stylists... I'm very excited with the changes that I have waited and saved up for to happen its been a long time coming this transition, I'm taking things slowly its just these to events have had to fit in other peoples calendar's and appointment books its just fate that they have come next to each other in January 2016.

everybody at work has been great and I haven't had a bad word spoken to me I've had loads of email support and its great to be me finally, I've had make up tips and dress styling advice and offers to go shopping for outfits, of course some in the work place may not approve but I haven't seen them yet I bet it will knock me for six when I do get a negative response but I will have to balance that with the good. I do get annoyed that some narrow minded people think its a choice thing which its not the only choice was to commit suicide or progress with coming out, I'm glad coming out worked for me, but then again Europe isn't backwards thinking on this, like America appears to be who's right wing politics don't appear to accept the condition as a birth defect and see it as choice the person makes, very strange that they struggle with it so much.

My new life

 

 

Well coming out at work has been much better than I could have ever hoped it could have been.

I am genially surprised at the level of support my co-workers have been offering me, I have had loads of hugs and well done you messages, it has taken me back for sure.

 

I thank everybody for your support you have shown me and offered me.

 

Well I still have a very long way to go on this path I have to go down it’s not a choice a transgender person really has the only choice is when you have to face the truth or keep on running, for me it was Now I can’t put off doing that needs to be done. Otherwise it would have been the morgue for me, it hurts me to admit that, but that was sadly my option as I saw it, others may see it different that I will not know but for me it was an end point and a turn in the road.

 

I awake each morning excited at what the day will bring me and who will as me stuff about coming out and being transwoman, I told a couple of people today about a question a certain member of the medical profession asked me very early on, "Why do you think you want to be a woman" I was shocked but that was the idea I think, so I replied honestly and said "I don't want to be a woman". "I am a woman" strangely enough the questions changed... and that is how I have always viewed myself a woman trapped in a male body, my parents always said I should have been a girl and my older sister the boy, I guess they were right as far as I'm concerned,. It would have made life much easier for me if I was complete from day one as a girl.

 

It’s not until you take the plunge and come out as transgender will you ever know what people think of you, I have been lucky and had just about 100% positive support from the people I have talked to about being transgender. Yes, it was a shock to them to hear or read it in an email message as I had hidden my female self so well for nearly 50 years I had become a true master of disguise. I know some people will not like the news but in the UK we have the equality Act that helps to protect you and in work if it’s a large company they generally have a policy on the whole thing,

My place of works HR department has been 100% behind me and my department has put together a communication plan to release the news to all (3,578 staff at the last count). Although coming out is a personal thing I have found you need to explain to people about being trans as they really don't know much or anybody else personally who is transgender and they want to avoid saying the incorrect thing and feel on edge around you. Therefore, they can just take the easy option, and steer clear leaving you feeling isolated and alone. My personality is to go and see them and break the ice say hi do you want to talk? If they know you well they will want to say something. I have discovered it’s a two way street and both side has feelings and feel loss and shock, time can heal most things but it can also be a barrier and come between you.

 

I am now waiting on a letter from the NHS Gender Identity Clinic to my doctors to tell them to prescribe female hormones to me and arrange full blood tests, so the effects can be monitored and the hormones adjusted to suit me. How cool is that? I will finally get to feel at home in my own body for the first time in nearly 50 years :-).

I hope I'm not expecting them to be the cure-all of my transgender issues but I do hope they start to sort this body and mind out for once. I have done the suicide thing a couple of times its a dark place for sure and I never want to be in that state again.

 

Early on I read about transgender people being very suicidal at times, and thought huh not me... how stupid I must have been, to think all of this wouldn't cause me great suffering at some point and it did.

I am grateful I saw some way of getting through it all at that time and called out for help... I was 100% committed to doing it as well It was a very cut and dried thing and in my mind logical. In everybody else’s it was of course not. However, desperate people do desperate thing I am afraid. I yet don’t know if I will get that bad again I just hope I don’t for everybody around me who has shown me support and love, I owe them to live through the change and come out a champion, and a dam fine woman.

Regrets so far...

It may sound hard but I don't really subscribe to regrets concerning my transgender , looking back to what may have been, or even to what I have or have not... life is far too short for that.

I believe that we have only this moment in time, to make choices to be the best person we can be. I feel that I do not have to be a certain way to meet any expectations placed on me by society around me.

As daft as it sounds, I do believe that the internal struggle that went on for so long with my gender identity was perhaps necessary, and I guess it has helped to make me who I am right now.

The hard road we travel is a route some have to tread, in order to grow into a complete person. Others may not need to tread this path in order to be who they really are. We are all different people made up of complex actions and reactions, we build up barriers in order to survive from day to day, but every turn and bend in the road is the journey of being transgender.

Christmas Eve at last

Hya all,
Its my first Christmas as Nicola and I'm so excited, Its like being 12 all over again, and waiting for Santa to come and leave presents... so excited at my first girly Christmas.

Last night I watched Mamma Mia! The Movie it was great to sing along and laugh to, its such a great movie to give you that "it will be all right" kind of feeling. I am now working on my voice so my next mission is singing as it helps you match a female pitch and tone. When I was young 5/6 years old I had to go to the local hospital as I spoke very quietly and in a female style, now I have to unpick all of that training somehow to sound female again, its a strange life for sure but you soon learn to adapt and change if its what you really want.

I was in the doctors waiting room this morning and thought what do I do if I need to pee which rest room do I use, as I look female most times and a bit male at other times? I guess using the one I'm most comfortable in  would be best depending on how female I'm looking at the time?
I know in some states in America its not that easy due to the law in that state, but thankfully in the UK its not quite like that, but you could easily end up in a battle with other restroom users. Women might think you could rape them? well after being on hormones this can not happen as everything changes with hormones, if you know what I mean... 
In the gents restroom you could very easily be a rape victim or at the least battered and needing hospital treatment or police help. 
Its a tough one for sure, also the venue is another thing to consider, the local boozer is perhaps not safe unless you know its trans friendly. So I tend to stick to big chain outlets that are geared up for families and visitors from out of town, as a male I could have gone anywhere and been OK, but as Nicola I find I have to pick the place and time to go out more closely.  

Need to Pee

So if you in the toilets and see a mannish looking trans-woman please, consider what it has taken for them to actually go in and pee... as they could be me. I guess at the start of transitioning you tend to stand out from the crowd as the hormones have not been taken long enough to change your body shape or regrow hair or to soften the skin etc if you looked like Kate Moss from the get go, I don't think it would be an issue but looking like you have been in a Les Dawson sketch its another thing all together.

Les at his very best...

Stay safe this Christmas and I hope Santa is good to you.

 

TransNicola a true transgender story to help people understand a bit more...

Well it’s a first for me... a blog?

I have had many firsts in 2015, and a few first for the people I love and who are around me I guess.

Coming out as transgender is not easy to say the least, but honesty is the best policy and if people can’t handle that I have to say it’s their issue not mine.

Being transgender is not a choice a person has as it happens pre-birth in the womb a kind of birth defect, people can never see when looking at a new-born child. I do not have odd coloured eyes or a missing limb or anything that show I have a defect. I was assigned male the moment I “popped out” and took my first breath.

Society dictates if you have a male appearance then hay your male, and if you have an outward female appearance, you are a girl. However, the mind of that child may not match the label attached to the body. This is the case for me, I have hidden the fact that I feel wrong in this body and as a child had to have voice therapy to speak male… I loved playing as a girl but sadly told boys do not do this or boys do not do that, so quite naturally you start to build a defensive wall around your feelings masking how you feel and wanting parental approval you soon learn to hide from everybody who you are.

Sadly as you weave this life of lies you find you become trapped in a prison of your own making, I learned to copy and mimic male’s around me, and over compensated a lot of the time not knowing what appears to others as male behaviour and for that I’m so sorry. If there were a bully in school, I would copy them to some degree in order not to be picked upon. Growing up I expressed a reckless attitude and live life as a male even riding in to danger with outlaw motorcycle gangs, all the time hiding the real me away. I pulled it off well I must say, I looked that bad ass my girlfriend walked straight past me in the street, we were shoulder to shoulder and she didn’t know it was me, I called her and she turned and went very defensive with this stranger in front of her, I was bad ass for sure. It was a turning point I had gone too deep as the undercover cops say and gone native…

In bars, people would move out of my way as I entered the place leaving half-drunk drinks rather than stay near me. Bar owners would buy back the beer’s their assistants had sold me, and ban me from the establishment as “they don’t want my sorts in their bar” yep I was a bastard for sure, turning younger lads in to mini copies of me… I had an army behind me willing to do whatever I needed doing. At one point I was banned from every bar in a local town as an “undesirable” and that’s close on 20 bars… When you build a wall make sure it’s an Impenetrable Wall was the way I had learned to cope. I hid behind mask after mask I was unhappy and behaving in such a way family and true friends were afraid.

I could leave the life I had carved out quite easily as I had many masks to hid behind part psychopath I guess and part normal, not being the real me leaves daemons in all sorts of places. Coming out I had to face a few of these for sure and the hangman’s noose was one way out I had planned if it all went “tits up” having bought a good strong rope of sufficient length and even selected a tree it was planned with Military Style. I even had a backup plan of a hose and the car window and an out of the way parking spot. To get to this point in a person’s life, just shows what I have lived with for so long and how damaging putting up walls and protective barriers can be.

I thought of coming out 25 years ago but I wanted a child so I put it off until they were grown up. Then came the second bundle of joy a few years later so again I put it off, it was easier to put it off than to come out as transgender at the time so 25 years later I have two of the most wonderful people I call my children, who are now adults in their own right. So my time has finally come it was a now or never situation, and being the strong person I have become I choose to give being me a go. I could lose every single thing I had and the love of those I held so dear to my very soul.

If anybody is reading this blog and is transgender take heart as live is worth living and living as you.

I announced it to my wife who had been the girl to walk past me all of those years ago not knowing it was me… She was shocked and took some time to process the news, things were going to change and not perhaps how I had thought… it was all to play for as they say.

Time is a great healer and after a month or so, she decided 33 years of marriage and knowing me for considerable more was worth fighting for. I had managed to stay alive for 50 + years with these feelings and if I live for another 50 years as who I should have been, who was she to say no to me as a woman. We worked out a plan to out Nicola to the two children, I received the “I thought you had some bad news to tell us” they were 110% behind me and had guessed there was a little something in my liberal views over the years. So no big deal the earth didn’t stop revolving or anything, the next person was my Mom she is 85, what the hell is going to happen in this situation… well shock was one thing, quickly followed by we knew you were different as a child… the rest of the conversation was full of support and excitement, my Mom wanted to know what outfits I had, and decided I needed better ones to go out in, and insisted she took me shopping as they say Moms know best…

I will let you know more of Nicolas journey in my next blog.

Keep reading and post comments if you wish.
As the story of my life is continuing.

Nicola