I have just been filling in a questionnaire on LGBT stuff and "coming
out" and I sat and thought about how I feel about being Transgender male
to female... I came to the conclusion I have not changed but everybody else
has. I know it’s a strange contradiction to make considering my recent coming
out news, but I have always been Nicola despite being known by a male name and
forced to do male things.
Inside I was female and loved doing girly things but society had me hide
away, now I have taken the brave step of telling just about everybody and their
dog that I'm really a female and have been since well forever and a day.
That made me look inward and think about myself, I feel everybody is so
different but I haven't changed... I'm still me Nicola the change for me is
everybody else now knows I'm a female trapped in a male body and treats me well
err different. Which is very great please don't get me wrong, but
different to me as with the news they have to change, I'm still ticking along.
I guess it’s a coping mechanism of some kind?
If people can’t cope with the news and behave badly towards me, well I
simply don't need them in my life, it’s like a switch being thrown. If on
the other hand they offer me, some emotional support and friendship well
welcome on board the Nicola express.
Being rid of the pressure of having to conform to male
stereotyping plus taking the female hormones daily I feel
released of lots of things that were binding me. I know I said I haven't
changed well I have lots and lots but for me it's so far all for the
better. With my hair all done and make up, I look years younger my clothes
actually fit rather than hang on my body. My weight has dropped (3.5 stone
at the last count), the lines on my face "worry lines" all gone I
smile much more when I walk its now with my head up.
At night, I sleep better and awake each morning with a happy smile, so
changes yes they continue to happen, my wife Julie told me my male
"sent" has now faded, my body is using the hormones correctly and adjusting
my body to that of a female. I think my wife is worried I will no longer want
to service or fix the car or the lawn mower etc. when they need it.
I'm sure she thinks she will have to take on some of the roles seen as male in or
relationship but that will not be the case, I’m happy to function as before but
perhaps in a cute pair of jeggings and a nice top… I still have the DIY skills
I had, I still have the same hobbies and interests and love of technology, as I have
not changed as I said before. If you are a happily married in a heterosexual marriage,
you do not stop loving the person you are married to just because you swapped a
pair boxers for some cute fitting undies. Being trans-female is not a curse it’s
not an issue unless you make it one.

Being a couple in love and seeing the
person you love for who they are, is far more important than applying labels to
people.
I didn’t have much, if any
option not to transition as I had reached the end of a long journey trying to
be who I wasn’t. I was told by medical specialists in the GIC I attend, that Pandora’s
box had exploded with such force it was never going to be possible to put a lid
on everything, tucking it all back in and think nothing has happened. As I
keep pointing out in the blog pages it’s not a choice but biological pre-birth
issue, all I could ever do is deal with it in the best possible way available
to me and others like me. To say I have struggled every day and every second of
every day is a underestimate in my mind as its taken me to the point of self-destruction
and now I’m getting the correct help so I can live and function as I should
have since birth. I’m thankful to everybody around me, family friends and
everybody at work who has come out and supported me on the journey, I can never
thank you all enough for your support understanding and help. However, I can
say thanks you for changing your view of me and thank you for changing how you
have accepted me as a person who is transgender and becoming a woman I should
have always been.