Whatever...

 

Well I have spoken to many people and received positive upon positive comments and for that, I'm very grateful at peoples understanding of me and being transgender. I have had continuing strange comments from American's, despite explaining, many times I have received a "whatever" a couple of times from them, and whatever makes you happy...

 

Well that "whatever" hurts sometimes as it can translate to me as you do not understand and you feel you do not need to understand, It of course can mean "cool whatever I'm OK with that" but to be honest I didn't perceive it as being given that way. Perhaps the person would be happier if I stayed sad and very unhappy on the edge of suicide or even dead, Just to make them feel that it’s all fine and dandy in their world of black and white. I don't know.
However, let us face it that is never going to happen with me, as I am proud to be whom I am and I’m dam determined to make a difference in this world however small it turns out to be I'm here for a reason.

For many people, the terms “gender” and “sex” are used interchangeably, and thus incorrectly. This idea has become so common, particularly in western societies, that it is rarely questioned. We are born, assigned a sex, and sent out into the world. For many people, this is cause for little, if any dissonance. Yet biological sex and gender are different; gender is not inherently nor solely connected to one’s physical anatomy.

 I personally consider the human race to be a spectrum of colours with biological gender occurring across a continuum of possibilities. This spectrum of anatomical variations by itself should be enough to disregard the simplistic notions of a binary gender system.

 

I read recently the Mormon church in Utah still doesn't accept same sex marriage, so being Transgender is not addressed either, this is sad for sure as many Mormon kids who are transgender find life so hard and look towards suicide as a way out, this shouldn't be the case should it. If we take it in a semi religious context and assume that God, Allah, the Almighty... doesn't make mistakes it then means Transgender is not chosen, but one of his wonderful creations? It a sad fact most members of the Utah-based faith know little or nothing about what it's like to be transgender many do judge and reject transgender loved ones.

 

One person Annabel Jenson who lives in Utah and is a transgender Mormon said: 'One of my brothers sent me a text calling me a monster. I miss my family, but I don't want to visit. As it's become too painful.' Annabel is estranged from her parents and siblings, now lives alone. We know that some people are born with ambiguous genitalia or with both - it is possible for a perfect feminine soul to end up in a male body or a female mind in a male body and vice versa.

 

The biblical saying goes "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7)

 

When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. (Genesis 5)

 

Therefore, to be told "whatever" can and does means much more to someone who is struggling through life, being transgender is not a choice for all who identify as Trans. We are not monsters and in fact, we are vulnerable people struggling very hard with our lives, juggling commitments and responsibilities just the same as everybody else but with a bigger burden to carry and see through.

 

I know I'm lucky as my direct family understands and are standing by me 100%, which puts me in a very special place... but my thoughts go out to all who are having to make this journey of theirs alone. My message to you is just stick with it and be strong as there are people who care, you might not have met them yet, but they are out there.

 

on a more sober note please have a look at these stats below:

 

·  36% have lost their job due to their gender.

 

·  55% have been discriminated against in hiring.

 

·  29% have been denied a promotion.

 

·  25% have been refused medical care.

 

·  60% of the trans women that have visited a homeless shelter reported incidents of harassment there.

 

The US National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs' report of 2010 anti-LGBTQ violence found that of the 27 people who were murdered because of their LGBTQ identity, 44% were trans women

 

In Conclusion

Perhaps the most fundamental aspect of a person’s identity, is gender this alone deeply influences every part of one’s life. In a society where this crucial aspect of self has been so narrowly defined and rigidly enforced, individuals who exists outside its norms face innumerable challenges.
Even those who vary only slightly from the norm can become targets of disapproval. Yet this does not have to be the case forever. Through a thoughtful consideration of the uniqueness and validity of every person’s experiences of self, we can develop greater acceptance for all. Not only will this create greater inclusion for individuals who challenge the norms of gender, it will actually create space for all individuals to more fully explore and celebrate who they are.

The art of being normal…

What is gender identity and the art of being normal…

 

 

Growing up I had one goal - to be invisible or close to invisible as possible.

My gender identity didn’t match my physical body when I was growing up, this of course caused me to have discomfort and distress with my body to a very high level a lot of the time.

I know a lot of teenagers hate the way they look, but having gender identity issues is totally different and is not experienced by 99% of teenagers for the ones who do it's normally hell.

To survive I found hiding behind psychological masks and building a psychological wall helped me to survive. All the time I studied the males around me and copied how they behaved in order to just survive; I had discovered the art of being classed as normal… Everyday was like being an actor in a stage play and the costume made the part real, I never let my cover slip despite being in an all boys school some girls might think it would be a dream surrounded by boys every single day in school, but never being able to be me and having to hide away destroys the person for sure.

I’m not a male homosexual in anyway, I have never wished or wanted to be with a man in that way… that's sexual orientation not gender identity.

So you just learn to fit in and blend away in plain sight of the rest of the world, I learned to play the part of a young male and divulged in male activities and hobbies that was accepted by fellow teenagers. I soon became a master of being male,

I hoped that I could make the most of my life with the brain of a woman trapped in a male body and for a very long time I did, but like most thing in life, maintenance is required and I had become slack at maintaining my male appearance and attitude to all things. Something that starts as a trickle can soon become a river of emotions. Once you allow Pandora’s box to open its impossible to put the contents back and carry on, this is when my gender dysphoria came to the forefront of my life, I decided to spend some time researching gender identity and spent time looking for information the felt true to me and how I felt.

I basically discovered it’s a sense of a persons self as being male or female or somewhere along the male/female spectrum, gender identities are diversifying and its quite uncommon to change your gender identity, a lot of people never go any further than dressing in private male or female.

I made the decision not to live any longer as people expect and finally be female, some think it’s a choice a person has, but to put it bluntly they are really ignorant to gender issues. I have discovered religion can be the cause of narrow mindless in accepting gender identity disorders which is sad as I’m not a threat to them or their religion. I guess you could take the stance that God doesn’t make mistakes there for its his will that I transition from male to female?

The truth is I don’t know why some people don’t understand it and so do, if someone expresses misunderstanding about transgender I just walk away as you can’t change people and their narrow minds only they can seek the information on transgender and educate themselves.

I now know I can’t change the world and some people views or ideas on transgender however I can offer them information and try to explain to them about transgender and transitioning but some still don’t understand or should I say don’t want to understand.

So the art of being normal is finally in my grasp for the first time, not having to hide who I am from people is a breath of sweet fresh air.

I know its sad to say but I do hope the people I have come across who fail to accept me experience similar somewhere in their own lives.

In this world some people may identify as transgendered it’s a fact of life. In other cases these experiences are transient, fluid and part of a persons own development, but occasionally, if the gender dysphoria persists, the person may wish to seek further support and medical help, I know this from my own experience of being transgender. I just hope some one reading this is helped by my words and seeks help and is accepted by their family and friends for being themselves.

“Everybody is so different, but I haven’t changed”

 

I have just been filling in a questionnaire on LGBT stuff and "coming out" and I sat and thought about how I feel about being Transgender male to female... I came to the conclusion I have not changed but everybody else has. I know it’s a strange contradiction to make considering my recent coming out news, but I have always been Nicola despite being known by a male name and forced to do male things.

Inside I was female and loved doing girly things but society had me hide away, now I have taken the brave step of telling just about everybody and their dog that I'm really a female and have been since well forever and a day.

That made me look inward and think about myself, I feel everybody is so different but I haven't changed... I'm still me Nicola the change for me is everybody else now knows I'm a female trapped in a male body and treats me well err different. Which is very great please don't get me wrong, but different to me as with the news they have to change, I'm still ticking along. I guess it’s a coping mechanism of some kind?

If people can’t cope with the news and behave badly towards me, well I simply don't need them in my life, it’s like a switch being thrown. If on the other hand they offer me, some emotional support and friendship well welcome on board the Nicola express.

 

Being rid of the pressure of having to conform to male stereotyping plus taking the female hormones daily I feel released of lots of things that were binding me. I know I said I haven't changed well I have lots and lots but for me it's so far all for the better. With my hair all done and make up, I look years younger my clothes actually fit rather than hang on my body. My weight has dropped (3.5 stone at the last count), the lines on my face "worry lines" all gone I smile much more when I walk its now with my head up.

At night, I sleep better and awake each morning with a happy smile, so changes yes they continue to happen, my wife Julie told me my male "sent" has now faded, my body is using the hormones correctly and adjusting my body to that of a female. I think my wife is worried I will no longer want to service or fix the car or the lawn mower etc. when they need it.




I'm sure she thinks she will have to take on some of the roles seen as male in or relationship but that will not be the case, I’m happy to function as before but perhaps in a cute pair of jeggings and a nice top… I still have the DIY skills I had, I still have the same hobbies and interests and love of technology, as I have not changed as I said before. If you are a happily married in a heterosexual marriage, you do not stop loving the person you are married to just because you swapped a pair boxers for some cute fitting undies. Being trans-female is not a curse it’s not an issue unless you make it one.

Being a couple in love and seeing the person you love for who they are, is far more important than applying labels to people.  I didn’t have much, if any option not to transition as I had reached the end of a long journey trying to be who I wasn’t. I was told by medical specialists in the GIC I attend, that Pandora’s box had exploded with such force it was never going to be possible to put a lid on everything, tucking it all back in and think nothing has happened. As I keep pointing out in the blog pages it’s not a choice but biological pre-birth issue, all I could ever do is deal with it in the best possible way available to me and others like me. To say I have struggled every day and every second of every day is a underestimate in my mind as its taken me to the point of self-destruction and now I’m getting the correct help so I can live and function as I should have since birth. I’m thankful to everybody around me, family friends and everybody at work who has come out and supported me on the journey, I can never thank you all enough for your support understanding and help. However, I can say thanks you for changing your view of me and thank you for changing how you have accepted me as a person who is transgender and becoming a woman I should have always been.

Lemons...

Lemons...
Great in Gin and Tonic, squeezed on fish and perhaps preserved whole in a jar for later in the year.
But what about making some Marmalade? Great on toast or used in cooking as a marinade for fish... it keeps well and is a great store cupboard item to liven up meal times, so I hunted down a recipe that sounded easy to make and be good to eat, so my weekend is now set I'm making home made Marmalade while the lemons in the shops are cheap, I don't have a lemon tree but if I did I would be collecting my own when they were ripe.

Lemon Marmalade

Ingredients

Storage: up to 2 years
Makes: 5 x 450g jars

• 1kg Lemons
• 75ml leftover lemon juice
• 2kg demerara sugar

Method

• Wash the lemons then half them and juice them and keep the squeezed halves.
• Slice the squeezed lemons into medium to thick pieces and place into a bowl along with the lemon juice and 2.5L water. Leave the mixture to soak for 24 hours.

TIP: This helps release the pectin that helps the marmalade set.

 

• Pour the mixture into a jam making pan and bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer and cook covered for 2 hours until the peel is soft and the marmalade has reduced.
• Add in the sugar and lemon juice and mix well to dissolve the sugar.
• Boil for about 20 minutes until setting point has been achieved then remove from the heat.
• Leave the marmalade to cool down for ten minutes then stir slowly to diffuse any foam from the top.
• Pour the marmalade into warm sterilized  jars and store in a cool dark place.

What did it feel like before comming out as Female...

I have been asked by a few people what it like to be a woman trapped in a male body for so long. Therefore, I thought I had best blog it...
 
Well I had sufficient coping mechanisms and distractions to enable me to struggle on for so long. Developing ME certainly is one of them for sure, as it wipes your life clear of just about everything you can think of and leaves you in a total mess. To have to recover from the ruins of your life and start all over again is great for developing inner strength and goal setting abilities, you tend to reach a point when you are about as low as a person can be and still be alive.
I functioned within a 4 hour window at the most the rest of my life was spent asleep, it’s not a refreshing sleep and you awaken as exhausted as before you slept. I still suffer like that 20 years after developing ME, but I can just about cope but only just and I crash out at the slightest changes to my life or my health. I feel like I am forever dangling in a thin wire from a great height, just about everything affects me. Nevertheless, after many failures, setbacks, and relapses I have finally managed to function in some manner that is seen by most around me as being close to a normal life.
Well normal for about 7 hours a day after which I have to withdraw and have total rest. So I have coped with being transgender and being trapped in the wrong body as I just had to cope due to very serious health issues happening to me. Being strong willed, and determined to cope in the wrong body until I died was the goal.

However Pandora’s box was opened when trying to deal with a bout of depression that had a hold of me, I had been trying to stick to the promise I made myself many years ago, to not come out as the effect of such news could totally destroy the life I had struggled to build up and maintain. I saw a psychologist who was helping me he simply explained to me that a pan on a stove without a lid boils away, however the same pan with a lid boils over, contents spill out and you cannot put it all back in the pan. That was the situation I found myself in, I had to confront my transgenderism there is no magic pill to stay the way I had been as suicide in these cases is too common and the medical profession know of a 99% cure. Transition from male to female so you find me sitting here trying to put a handle on 50 years oppression and guilt, sadness and loss. I made the decision in all of this and I thought I was able to control it all but nature wins every time.

 

If the world see's you as they expect the world doesn't then ask too many questions (so long as you conform to what the world expects and demands of you)...

It is sad but that is how I have coped, expressing what people expect of me, you can slide by unrecognised and unhurt by their reactions to you. You have to be whoever the mask you are wearing portrays you as, getting dressed and going out into the world every day is like a performance in a long running soap drama that is your life. You learn to act for 24/7 and become  your own life long Truman show.Its not fair but we all know life is not fair at times.

Nobody knew as I grew up I was like this, and if they feel I have cheated and lied about who I am, they first need to look inside of themselves at all the things they do and don't make public. Because everybody lives in a glasshouse and as such should not throw stones. If anybody feels betrayed cheated or lied to… I'm truly sorry you feel like that, as it was never my intension to do that to you or for you to feel that way about me. But for me to survive I personally had to hide who I was, my physical body and brain don't match, and you know or can guess the world was not ready for that in the 1960's. I do not ask for pity just understanding on what I have lived with and what I am finally able to do about it.

 To feel safe living behind masks and a psychological wall is not great either, but to have survived until now is. I can finally be who I should have been and it would really help me cope with appearing from behind my psychological wall and masks if you would please help me, help me to be the kind of person you knew I was deep down.

You see I haven't really changed I'm still me I still like the same things I did, I still laugh at the same stuff and like the same everything I did before, what has changed is you now know I should have been a physically female from birth, and my appearance is changing to reflect the new me. I'm so much happier brighter and more fun to be around, as I do not need to hide who I am any longer I am now me.



'how long is a piece of string'

Intrinsically a piece of string has length but that length is unknown hence the phrase 'how long is a piece of string' means that the quantitative answer is not known and there is an implicate understanding that the answer will be difficult to find given the information available.

OK now I have the definition out of the way, of the well know saying...

Someone at work asked me how long will it be till I'm done transitioning?

My first thought was in about two years time and after lower surgery... then I thought about the answer and realised as a woman I will always be changing and adapting to life, just as a male has to, you never really finish finding out who you are and what you're about until your at the end of the journey we call life.

Hence my title "how long is a piece of string. From seeking help from the doctors well over a year ago up until now, I have taken on and adapted more than any time in my life up until that point. So my own transgender journey of being trapped in the wrong body is not over and will perhaps it will never be over, as a person changes they can never erase the past, they have to carry that past life with them through their life it makes us who we are.

I have always known deep inside who I am, even though I was not in a position to express it, or in position from which I was able to transition from male to female until recently that is. I also knew my time would come and not to break what is around me, perhaps swapping happiness for sadness in the process.

My father would tell me on many occasions "not to jump out of a frying pan and into the fire", about many situations I found myself in growing up. To consider what the pay off would be, if you make a choice/change which was and is still sound advice for sure. So I have waited and waited until I felt I could no longer cope, until jumping from the proverbial frying pan. As I had waited so long the proverbial fire had died down, and I wasn't burned by the experience, in fact I was liberated and rewarded for my patience.

My transitioning to date has been positive and fantastic, my family are on board and at work the changes are accepted and covered by acts in law, I find people are generally more informed about transgender than they were 40 years ago thank goodness, the ignorance has mostly gone from being transgender in the UK, the UK news papers cover the topic in a better way than they did years ago. Children who are seen to be transgender are accepted in society by most people and there are TV documentaries and reality TV shows about transgender people. I do say mostly as there is still a long way to go to be seen equal to others in the LGBT arena. But a increase in public understanding has happened, and perhaps 2015 will be seen as the turning point we had a couple of celebrities transitioning to the opposite sex (than they were born) which raised awareness and information about them published in the tabloid papers, all helps people to read and understand more about being transgender.
I find ladies accept the news far better than males around me, who tend to shuffle about a lot and not know how to greet me or how they should refer to me, or even what to say. Which is strange to say the least, as my sexual orientation has not changed and my interests are the same as before, I just have better hair and make up and pretty clothes compared to before.

So when will I be finished transitioning the answer is as long as a piece of string I'm afraid.

I'm now on twitter as well...

I made a twitter account today to try and reach more people it would be really good if you could please follow me and pass on the link to others via Facebook Twitter Instagram etc....

https://twitter.com/transnicola